Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!agate!doc.ic.ac.uk!uknet!gdt!uwe-bristol!g_fear From: g_fear@uwe.ac.uk (Novalis) Subject: Quantum Trek Message-ID: <1993Apr20.143435.4889@pat.uwe.ac.uk> Sender: usenet@pat.uwe.ac.uk (uwe nntp usenet poster) Nntp-Posting-Host: usenet@pat.uwe.ac.uk (uwe nntp usenet poster) Organization: University of the West of England, Bristol X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5 Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1993 14:34:35 GMT Lines: 227 Star Trek : The Winklies Are Back --------------------------------- Space, The Final Frontier, These Are The Voyages Of The Starship Enterprise, Who's 25 Year Mission, Is To Go Round And Round On Tv Until Everyone Knows Each Episode Off By Heart, To Boldly Go Where No Tv Show Has Gone Before.... Captain's Log StarDate : 140.350.3.2 ------------------------------------- In our unending quest for a starbase to get new crew members for this ship. Most of them seem to die the minute me and Spock take them down to a planetry surface. We never have reached a starbase yet, because every time we do it appears that the writer of this program decides its time for another story. I am now seriously considering that Bones should head the next mission. [ON THE BRIDGE] All is normal with the crew of the Enterprise using hopelessly dated machines to fly the only ship in the federation which can turn right angles in space. This is probably due to the special effects department, who are usually stoned out of their minds. Scotty enters into the bridge. Scotty : Captain where's our door 'Whooshing' noise? Kirk : Don't ask me, it seems that the special effects department, recorded over the tape containing the noises, with the results of their Baked Bean feast last night. I am not having me enter onto the bridge with the sound of last nights events to announce my arrival. Spock : Captain, sensors are picking up a planet on our current path.... (With Interest) Strange, it reads like the planet Quagar, which should be about 1.7 light years away. Kirk : Sulu, where are we? Sulu : Quadrant 7, Sector 12 Captain. Kirk : (In Horror) That's in Klingon territory you IDIOT! Sulu looks at the map which he had been using... Sulu : (To Himself, In A Puzzled Voice) Is that really a six then? (In Realisation) Ahh its Quantrant 12, Sector 7. Spock : Captain, it would appear that there are seven klingon Birds of Prey in close promitity Kirk : Where Spock where? Spock points to the main viewer... Sulu : Whoops! Uhurha : Captain, they are hailing us... Kirk : Open hailing frequencies. The image of a Klingon comes up on the main viewer, who appears slightly annoyed because he was busy terrorising a local planet when the Enterprise disturbed him. Klingon : Hello Captain Kirk, so we meet again..... Kirk : Have we met before? Klingon : No, not really, I'm just improvising because you aren't supposed to be here. Kirk : Blame Sulu, he can't read the maps yet. At this point the klingons understand the problem, as Sulu's navigational skills, (or lack of them), are legendary throughout the universe. This is the Navigator who accidently steered the Enterprise into a space station because he forgot to look at the main viewer. They promptly decide to leave and watch from a safe distance where Sulu can't harm them, about ten light years away. Spock : Captain since we are here and we need a credable plot, I suggest that we beam down the that planets surface in the hope of finding something that can be attributed to an alien. Though in actual fact is a member of the camera crew dressed up in a silly rug. Kirk : Agreed! Kirk picks out Spock, Urhura, Bones and the nameless extra. He then has a brainwave and picks Sulu out in the hope he's the one who gets killed! [ON THE PLANET'S SURFACE] It is a barren and deserted place, which looks strangely like the set of 'Lost in space'. This is due to the fact that the set designers are too busy getting high on drugs, (hey, this is the sixties!). Spock : Tricorder readings show that the planet atmosphere is able to sustain life as we know it. Kirk : Spock, this may sound silly but why the hell do we check the planets atmosphere AFTER we beam down. Spock : Because I have dirty pictures on this Tricorder I like to look at. Kirk decides to drop the subject as he knows he is going to be sorry if he continues this line of questioning. Suddenly from behind there is a noise, all the crew turn to see, and find the girl that is going to end up in the episode's love seen with Kirk. The girls is as usual dressed in clothes that attempt to get away from sixties style, but fail miserably. She runs towards Kirk and falls into his arms..... Spock : (Under His Breath) Why do they always go for him? Kirk looks straight into her eye and suddenly they embrace in a passionate kiss. Spock : Twenty second, losing your touch Captain. Extra : ARRRRRRGGGGG! Kirk : Oh well, not Sulu this time, maybe next then..... Urhura : ARRRRGGGG! Captain behind you..... Kirk : Bones what is it? Bones : Damit Jim, I'm a Doctor not a monster spotter! Spock : It appears to be a member of the camera crew in a silly rug, WHOOPS, no its not, its life Jim, but not as we know it! Kirk : Set phasers to Kill. Everyone fiddles with a piece of plastic that was attached to their belts. Kirk : FIRE..... As per usual the phasers do no damage whats or ever to the monster, who just stands there with its arms outstretched in a pathetic attempt to look menacing. Spock : Captain, I suggest that the only logical course of action left for us now is to RUN..... Kirk : No, we must stay and try to make contact with this being. Being : I am going to kill you all, you have invaded my planet.... Kirk : Umm, Speaks English.... On second thoughts, with a slight change in Spock's idea, RUN LIKE HELL!!! All the members of the landing party, (except the dead nameless extra), are all crouched behind a rock. Kirk : (Into The Communicator) Scotty beam us up now.... Scotty : I canna do that captain the Dlithium crystal canna take any more. Kirk : Do you want your contract to expire? Spock : Captain I could make a simple computer out of these bits of rock here and the Tricorder that Uhurha is carrying. Sulu : No you can't. Spock : Your right, but remember who crashed into that space station. Anyway we have to make the viewer believe that I am a higher life form than you lot. (To Himself) Then why does he always get the girl? Then without a word, the remaining members of the landing party are beamed back onto the Enterprise. [BACK ON THE BRIDGE] All is normal again, with the door 'whooshing' box back under Kirk's chair, Bones standing behind Kirk's chair ready for the joke at the end. Spock is also ready, peering into the square box on is desk, which contains more dirty pictures. Kirk : Well, Bones what happens now? Bones : Damit Jim, I'm a Doctor not a fortune teller. Kirk throws back his head in a bad attempt to make it look like he found that statement funny. [ROLL END CREDITS] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- By Gavin A. Fear E-Mail : g_fear@uk.ac.uwe.csd ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- _____________________ ___________________________________ \___________________ \ / ________________________________/ __ _ _______ \ \ / / _______ _ _____ _______ | \ | | | ___ | \ \ / / | ___ | | | |_ _|| ____| | \ | | | | | | \ \ / / | |___| | | | | | | | | |\ \| | | | | | \ \_/ / | ___ | | | | | | |___ | | \ | | | | | \ / | | | | | | | | |____ | | | \ | | |___| | \ / | | | | | |__ _| |_ | | |_| \_| |_______| \_/ |_| |_| |____||_____| | | _________________________________________________________________| | |___________________________________________________________________| Some Are Born To Move The World - To Live Their Fantasies But Most Of Us Just Dream About The Things We'd Like To Be Sadder Still To Watch It Die, Than Never To Have Known It For You - The Blind Who Once Could See, The Bell Tolls For Thee... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------