From pkirman@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca Mon May 16 07:39:36 1994 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["38623" "Mon" "16" "May" "1994" "06:36:52" "-0600" "Paula Kirman" "pkirman@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca" nil "941" "" "^From:" nil nil "5" nil "" nil nil] nil) Return-Path: Received: from bock.ucs.ualberta.ca by depot.cis.ksu.edu ESMTP (8.6.9) id HAA18433; Mon, 16 May 1994 07:39:34 -0500 Received: from gpu.srv.ualberta.ca by bock.ucs.ualberta.ca with SMTP; (8.6.5/UA2.0.0.93Dec20) id GAA08270; Mon, 16 May 1994 06:39:28 -0600 Received: by gpu.srv.ualberta.ca; (5.65/UA2.0.0.93Dec20) id AA07056; Mon, 16 May 1994 06:36:52 -0600 Message-Id: <9405161236.AA07056@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca> From: Paula Kirman Apparently-To: jfy@cis.ksu.edu Date: Mon, 16 May 1994 06:36:52 -0600 Here's another Star Trek spoof by my very strange brother... * * * STAR TREK VI: "WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE" (c) 1990, 1993 by The Silicon Samurai This spoof was originally finished in June of 1990 in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. It is one vision of what Star Trek VI would have looked like if they had kept trying to make each movie funnier than its predecessor. In a sense, then, this is really a spoof of Star Trek V. Prologue: ========= "I don't believe it," says Captain James T. Kirk, flabbergasted and chuckling so madly that his wig nearly falls off. Walking with him through the corridors of Starfleet Command are Doctor McCoy and Mr. Spock. "I haven't done anything like this in over twenty years! I can't believe it! After all this time..." "Jim!" says Dr. McCoy, grabbing his old friend by the shoulders suddenly and shaking him, causing Kirk's wig to fly off. "WHAT did they tell you over in that Admirality briefing?" "We're going out in the Enterprise," says Captain Kirk, jumping up and down and laughing. Spock raises both of his eyebrows. "We have done that before, Captain, in the last twenty years. And you are stomping on your wig." "Oh," blushes Kirk, looking down and sticking his wig back on. "But Spock! Bones! We'll have a fully trained crew AND a fully operational ship! We haven't had both in ANY other movie! It'll be fantastic!" "You mean, Jim," drawls McCoy, "we won't have to deal with any more amature trainee idiots?" "Yup," says Kirk, "I'll be commanding PROFESSIONAL idiots once more!" Kirk collapses on the floor, laughing at his own joke. "Jim," drawls McCoy, "I've noticed that you've been acting more and more like an awful comedian in these last movies..." "AND I'm directing this movie again!" giggles Kirk, rising, ignoring McCoy. "I promise it's going to be an even FUNNIER adventure!" "No more Divine-Entity-Genesis-Torpedo-Killer-Probes?" asks Spock skeptically. "Oh, I promise!" babbles Kirk. "We're going to have nothing as meaningful!" He grabs Spock and starts to tango with his first officer. "And now, we're gonna have a 'song of the movie!'" Kirk starts singing "Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O..." Spock raises his eyebrows, tangoing clumsily. "Is this Old MacDonald's farm our destination on our present mission, Captain? And the code sequence E-I-E-I-O is, I confess, unlike any I've heard before." "Dammit, Spock, it's a song, not a computer data record!" gasps McCoy in exasperation, checking his own wig to make sure it's glued on properly. "But it's FUNNY!" says Kirk. "It's just our 'goofy song of the movie', Spock." Kirk goes into the Cha-Cha. "It was 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat' in the last movie...remember?" "I think neither I nor the audience can forget it," says Spock, now waltzing with his ecstatic captain. "The time wasted upon it was indeed lamentable." "Oh, hush, Spock," says Captain Kirk, showing just how physically fit he is by dancing nonstop for more than a minute. "We're gonna make millions with this movie!" Deafening blasts of the Star Trek theme fill the theatre. Act I: "Here we go again..." ============================= "Captain's Log, Stardate 8765.4: The Enterprise has been on routine patrol near the Romulan/Federation Neutral Zone and has intercepted a distress call from Moonus II, a nudist colony. The signal was faint, but suggested that the colonists have been having problems with some sort of microorganisms. After five movies of Divine-Entity-Genesis-Torpedo-Killer-Probes, investigating a microbe should prove diverting for both my crew and for the audience. Kirk out." Captain Kirk looks around the bridge after completing his log entry. Doctor McCoy, standing beside Kirk, checks Kirk's hearing aid. Uhura turns around to face Kirk. "Hailing frequencies open, captain," she says. "Uhura," says Kirk, "am I imagining things, or is your hair even whiter than it was in Star Trek Five?" "Hailing frequencies open, captain," she says. "What does that have to do with your hair?" asks McCoy. "Hailing frequencies open, captain," she says in irritation. McCoy scans her briefly with his tricorder. "She's got a rare condition, Jim, brought about by her repeating that line a zillion times in the last 25 years. Simply put, she can't say anything else anymore because she forgot how!" "And in your precise medical terminology, doctor, precisely what afflicts Commander Uhura?" asks Spock. "She's got an atrophe-thingy in her head region," pronounces McCoy, proud of his command of medical jargon. "Hailing frequencies open, captain," she agrees. "Well," explains Kirk, "we've had her do nothing but say that line for so long that I thought, as co-writer of this adventure, we'd finally make it official that she's incapable of saying anything else. It's in her contract; if she says anything else, she loses out on Star Trek VII as well! But don't worry...everything's gonna be FUNNY!" "Hailing frequencies open, captain," she sobs. "A most disturbing ailment, captain," says Spock, checking his console, "especially since the hailing frequencies are closed." Suddenly, a voice rings out from somewhere off-stage: "Doctor to recreation room! Accident by the food synthesizer! Doctor to recreation!" The doctor runs off the bridge. Kirk follows, gasping slightly as he reaches the turbolift. "You don't have to come, Jim," says the doctor as the turbolift doors close. "It's my starship and I'll come if I want to," half-sings Kirk to the tune of 'It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To.' "Hey! I just found our 'stupid song' for Star Trek VII!" Mercifully, before Kirk can sing any more, the turbolift arrives at the recreation level and McCoy bounds out of it, headed for the food synthesizer. The sight near the food sythesizer is rather grizzly. A giant worm roars as it strikes a human laying on the ground. Kirk's phaser is out in a minute, and the giant worm is soon nicely toasted. McCoy rushes to the crewman. "Klingon...food..." gasps the man. "Don't...ever...order...it." The man gasps and McCoy grabs, from a nearby table, a medical scanner (saltshaker) which gives a very grim reading. "He's dead, Jim," says McCoy. "NO!" says Kirk, stomping up and down in a fit of rage. "NO NO NO!" His wig flies off. "Ach," says Scotty, arriving at the scene too late. "Ye couldna ha' done anythin', Cap'n. 'Tisna yer fault. 'Tisna." "That's...not...why...I'm...angry!" yells Kirk, jumping up and down on his wig as he says each word. "As director, I'm mad at Bones! I want this to be a FUNNY movie! 'He's dead, Jim!' is DEPRESSING! No more of that! Comprenez?" "But he IS dead, Jim," protests McCoy. "STOP CLOUDING THE ISSUE WITH FACTS!" screams Kirk. "I'm the director AND the captain, and what I say goes! It does!" Kirk chews his wig in a fit of rage. "Ye'd better listen ta th' Cap'n," says Scotty, dragging the dead body off to the props department. Dr. McCoy grabs Kirk's wig and sticks it backwards on Kirk's head. "Jim," says Dr. McCoy, a strange gleam in his eye, "Ah'm tired of bein' ordered around by you. So I'm gonna do all in my power to say anything that sounds like 'He's Dead, Jim,' as many times as I like. Ah don't care WHO'S directin' this!" "Tough toenails, turkey." Kirk tiptoes toward the turbolift. Chekov radios down. "Ve are approaching Moonus II, Keptin." McCoy points to the intercom and says of his Russian shipmate, "He's Red, Jim." Kirk pretends to ignore this; he turns his hearing aid down. "Ah'll be original all right," continues McCoy. "For the last twenty or thirty years, Ah've been talking about retirin'. Well now Ah quit! Chew on that, Jim-boy!" Kirk turns his hearing aid up and asks "eh?" "If you need me," says McCoy, moving away from Kirk and heading down a corridor, "Ah'll be sippin' mint juleps on the veranda." "But there's no veranda on this ship..." begins Kirk, stepping into the turbolift. The remainder of his speech is cut off as the turbolift doors close - on Kirk's wig. Act II: "To Baldly Go..." ========================== James Kirk arrives on the bridge, unknowingly without his hair. "Keptin!" declares Chekov, looking at his bald commanding officer. "Captain," says Spock, raising both his eyebrows in such a way as to suggest that he'd raise a third eyebrow if he had one. "The Enterprise is not supposed to be commanded by a bald person until The Next Generation. Surely you know that, Jim." Kirk gingerly feels his head. "Spock!" he says. "My wig! It's gone!" Kirk looks about desperately for it on the floor. "We have assumed standard orbit around Moonus II," says Sulu to the desperate Kirk. "Hailing frequencies open, captain," says Uhura. "Indeed. And no response from the nude colonists," finishes Spock. "Thank God," mutters Kirk, looking between Chekov's legs for his wig. "Me without my wig and them without their clothes..." "Sir..." says Spock, still plugged into Uhura's console, "Mr. Scott claims to have found a hollow, dead, brown, furry tribble caught in the turbolift doors by the food synthesizer. He has disposed of it." "That was no tribble!" calls out Kirk, leaping to his feet and banging his head on the underside of Chekov's console in the process. "That was my wig!" Kirk goes to his chair, plops down, and weeps for his wig and for the replacement cost. "Jim," says Spock, coming to stand beside Kirk, "control yourself." "I loved it so," sobs Kirk. Spock sighs and enters the Vulcan mind meld with Kirk to erase the pain of losing the wig. "My mind to your mind...my thoughts to your thoughts..." intones Spock, leaning over Kirk. "Aha!" says Kirk, grabbing Spock's wig and sticking it on his own head, "your hair to my head!" Uhura proceeds to glue her own wig to her head as she sees the now-bald Spock looking with envy at it. "Hailing frequencies open, captain," she whispers fiercely, protecting her wig. "Enough fooling around," says Kirk, looking utterly ridiculous in Spock's hair. "Spock, Chekov, come with me to the transporter room. We'll gather up the good doctor en route. Mr. Sulu, you have the Conn." "Khan?" asks Sulu, suddenly startled. "WHERE?" Kirk shrugs as he, Spock, and Chekov leave the bridge. Kirk sings strains of "Old MacDonald's Farm" to himself. "Just being funny," he explains to his two baffled shipmates. On the way to the transporter room, Kirk hops toward the Sickbay. Just outside the sickbay door, Kirk espies a sign painted on cardboard: "The Veranda". Doctor McCoy is sitting outside, sipping some minty-smelling drink. A tipsy security guard is sitting next to him. "Ah've retahred, Jim-Boahy," says McCoy, slurring his words horribly. "Ah ain't beamin' nowheah to no strippah colony. An' yer haih luks lahk Spock's. 'sawful, Jim-Boahy." "Who's your friend?" demands Kirk of McCoy, gesturing to the security officer who is now in a fit of giggles upon realizing that Kirk is wearing Spock's hair. "Oh...He's Ned, Jim," smirks McCoy. "Ah had ta fix him up before Ah retired. He had an accident. You know what's happened to him?" "No," says Kirk, turning his hearing aid up a little higher. "He's bled, Jim," says McCoy, taking another swig of mint julep. "Ah LAHK this rhymin' game!" Kirk sputters, turns his hearing aid down to normal, and storms away from McCoy. "See if I ever invite you to a nudist colony planet again," Kirk mutters. Soon Kirk, Spock, and Chekov stand on the transporter platforms. Scotty prepares to do the honors. "Energize!" says Kirk. As the three dematerialize, Kirk sings "Old MacDonald's Farm" once more. Scotty winces at the stereophonic effect amplifying Kirk's truly awful singing, covers his ears with his hands, and nearly botches the transporting in the process. "Aye hope they're all right on the planet," mutters Scotty. "Ah'd hate ta have me contract fer Star Trek VII cancelled on account o' his singin'..." Act III: "Space-Bunnies in the Nudist Colony" ============================================== Kirk, Spock, and Chekov sort of materialize on the planet. Chekov looks around at the beautiful blue sky...the luscious green grass...the small houses dotted among the hills...and then at his two shipmates. Chekov jumps five feet in the air upon seeing them. "Keptin!" says Chekov. "Vhy do you and Mr. Spock look like giant rabbits?" "I was about to ask you and Spock the same thing," says Kirk, scratching his ear with his hind leg. "Fascinating," says Spock, raising his ears. "I have a sudden craving for a carrot." "Nya, what's up, Spock?" asks Kirk-rabbit, doing his best Bugs Bunny imitation. "Transporter malfunction, captain," says Spock-rabbit, as usual taking the joke literally. "I would guess that Engineer Scott was so distracted by your horrid singing that he could not properly rematerialize us. Hence, we now have the dubious distinction of being giant rabbits." "Eh?" asks Kirk-rabbit, nibbling on the grass. "I hear that grass is low in calories." "Vhere are ze nudists?" asks Chekov-rabbit, seeing nobody around anywhere. "Not here," says Spock-rabbit, looking around, trying without success to operate his tricorder with his front paws. "Of course not, Spock," says Kirk-rabbit, hopping around madly. "This is a PG rated movie. You know why? Because I'M the director, and what I say goes!" Chekov-rabbit bounds across a field to the nearest house. He hops inside after chewing on a little sweet clover, and yells out "Lenin's Ghost!" "No, Lenin's ghost isn't here either," mumbles Kirk-rabbit, digging a burrow. "Just us rabbits." Chekov-rabbit bounds back to his commanding officer-rabbit. "Keptin!" he says. "Ze nudists! Zey vere gone! Zere vhas a little vhite powder on ze floor of zeir houses, but..." Chekov-rabbit breaks down, giant bunny-tears splashing from his bunny eyes. "No crying!" orders Kirk-rabbit. "Are we men or mice here?!?" "Neither, Captain; we are rab - " begins Spock-rabbit. Kirk- rabbit cuts Spock off with an impatient wave of his ear. "It's obvious we've arrived too late," says Kirk-rabbit. Spock raises one ear. "If you hadn't panicked about your wig, Captain, we might have arrived in time. However, it would seem that the Bunnies arrived too late in this nudist camp." "Nudist? Bunnies?" asks Kirk-rabbit, leaping up and down and laughing. "Spock! You made a joke! I guess being a rabbit has made you more human!" Spock twitches his nose in disagreement. "Please, Captain. Do not add insult to injury." After about twenty minutes, Kirk-rabbit manages to open his communicator with his paws and contacts Scotty. "Set transporter to de-bunnification," says Kirk-rabbit. "We...er..." "Aye understand," moans Scotty over the communicator. "Good ta hear yer in one piece, though. I'll beam ye up now, sir. Aye canna guarantee the process'll work. But if it doesna, look on the bright side: as furry rabbits, ye'll not have ta worry about yer wigs flyin' off!" "Cute," says Kirk-rabbit. "Wait one moment, though, Mr. Scott; I just want to take another nibble of this clover: it's hopping good!" Act IV: "Return of the Romulans" ================================= The scene cuts mercifully to a Romulan Bird of Prey. Inside, a bunch of pointy-eared Romulans go about their tasks. Then it zooms by the camera. Unfortunately, the strings holding it up get tangled with the camera. The ship shakes. Inside, the Romulan crew, wearing their typical tacky armor, bang into each other. "Subcommander Dunceous!" yells out one of the Romulans. "Our strings! They're caught in the camera!" "Disentangle them immediately!" yells Dunceous, a young Romulan played by Michael J. Fox. "My Uncle will have our heads if we wreck those strings! Not that he cares about anything but telling those stupid stories of his..." The scene cuts to the outside of the ship, where a giant hand mysteriously untangles the model from the camera setup. "That's better," says Dunceous. He goes over to the navigator's station. "These cheap special effects, a la Star Trek V, bore me. I want to attack a Federation starship. Are there any in the area?" "The Enterprise," says the navigator. "How typical," yawns Dunceous. "Very well. Set course to intercept Enterprise and to destroy her if she so much as sneezes in the direction of the Neutral Zone." The scene cuts to the outside of the ship as the Bird of Prey moves away from the camera. A whooshing sound is heard coming from it across the soundless vacuum of space. Act V: "Tummy Troubles" ======================== Kirk, Spock, and Chekov materialize on the transporter platform, each one with appropriate human bodily hair. "Well," says Kirk, feeling his ears with relief. "It's good to be human again." Kirk does a little victory dance on the transporter room floor. "If you will excuse me, captain," says Mr. Spock, "I would like to go to my room to meditate on being a rabbit." Spock leaves the transporter room. On his way to his quarters, he passes Sickbay and finds Dr. McCoy asleep alone outside sickbay. "Doctor!" says Spock. "Can you hear me?" "Umph," says McCoy, coming to slightly. "I'm feelin...mighty ...low..." "What is the meaning of this, doctor?" asks Spock, raising one eyebrow. "I have a hangover the size of Dover," says McCoy. "I've retired, Spock..." Spock raises his other eyebrow. "And I got roaring drunk a few hours ago with my good buddy Ned," finishes McCoy. Spock attempts to raise a third eyebrow, but succeeds only in getting his existing two tangled on his forehead. Kirk comes rushing through the hallway. "Where'd Ned go?" asks Kirk. McCoy looks up at Kirk. "He's fled, Jim." Kirk ignores this. "Well, well, well," he says. "Are we having fun yet, gentlemen?" "Much fun," says Spock. He uses his fingers to untangle his eyebrows and to force them back down. Then he suddenly rolls his eyes upward and collapses. "Spock," says McCoy, staring at the Vulcan, "if Ah didn't know better, Ah'd say you looked a bit sick." Spock, hunched over and shuddering, asks "Wh-what made you... you... deduce...?" "You're positively GREEN!" declares Kirk. "Please, captain," moans Spock from the floor. "This is no time for compliments." McCoy sighs. "A fellow can't retire around here." He takes the "Veranda" sign down and pulls Spock into the sickbay. Spock gets up and hobbles into the washroom. McCoy follows Spock. "Keep me posted on his progress, Bones," says Kirk. He leaves the sickbay and heads for the bridge. Once on the bridge, Kirk sits down, yawns, and stretches. "Hailing frequencies open, captain," says Uhura. "McCoy to Kirk," comes the voice of the doctor over the intercom. "You asked to be kept posted on Spock's progress. Well, he's got the runs. I've never seen a Vulcan with the runs before." Sounds of grunting and moaning can be heard in the background. "Keptin," says Chekov crossing his legs, "may I be excused to go to the bathroom?" "But why, Chekov?" asks Kirk. "You've spent 25 years at that console and have never once left it to go the bathroom!" "Maybe zat's vhy I haf to go now so badly," says Chekov, rushing out of the bridge. Sulu speaks. "Nobody has gone to the washroom once in the entire history of the show..." "Hailing frequencies open, captain," says Uhura in agreement. "This whole thing is upsetting my stomach," says Kirk. "In fact, I think I may just visit the washroom myself. Sulu, take over." Kirk bounds out of the bridge just in time to save the PG- rating of the film. "This is weird," says Sulu. "Almost as mysterious as the reason why I have no trace whatsoever of any false Chinese accent in a crew dominated by people with false accents." Act VI: "To Boldy Go..." ========================= "Captain's Log supplemental, Sulu reporting. In the last twenty-four hours, the epidemic of diahhrea has spread from the members of the Moonus II landing party to at least a quarter of the crew. Doctor McCoy is unable to determine a cause or a cure for the epidemic but estimates that, at the current rate of spread, the entire crew will be down with it before long. Sulu out." Sulu sits back in the captain's chair. "So, Uhura, what do you think of this whole mess?" "Hailing frequencies open, captain," says Uhura. Sulu sighs. "Ach!" comes the voice of Scotty from the engine room. "Mr. Sulu! We canna take any more!" "Is it the engines?" asks Sulu. "The transporters? The dilithium crystals?" Sulu braces himself for the worst. "Ach!" says Scotty. "'Tis worse than that! 'Tis the toilets! They're overflowin'! We canna dispose of all the...er...refuse from the epidemic, to put it diplomatically! We'll explode at the present rate!" "How long do we have?" asks Sulu. "Ach, about ten hours at the most," says the intercom. "Scott out!" At that moment, Captain Kirk staggers onto the bridge. Sulu rises. "Sir!" he says. Kirk waves him away. "Stay...stay back..." gasps Kirk, grabbing onto the bridge railing and gasping. "I don't know how long I can...hold it in..." "Hailing frequencies open, captain," says Uhura in disgust. "Only one choice..." says Kirk. "Have Scotty rig up toilet facilities in the shuttle bays. Keep the bays protected by force shields while people are down there!" "But sir," says Sulu. "Nobody has ever...er...used the shuttle bays as toilets! It could even be dangerous!" "We'll just have to follow our standing orders," gasps Kirk, crossing his legs, "and boldly go where no man has gone before!" With that, Kirk heads for the turbolift with haste. He pokes his head back in through the turbolift doors to give a single, silly smile at his own joke, and then leaves the bridge. Sulu sighs and tells Uhura to open a three-way channel between engineering, sickbay, and the bridge. "Hailing frequencies open, captain," she says. "Scotty, Doc," begins Sulu, "Captain Kirk just had an idea, believe it or not..." Down in sickbay, Dr. McCoy hears of the plan. "Dammit," he says, slamming his fist down on his table. "I can't isolate this virus! People are dehydrating all over the place, and the best anyone can come up with is to open up new toilets?" "We'll blow up if we donna do somethin', Doctor," says Scotty over the intercom. "And it'll be a most unsanitary way ta go!" "Well, don't expect any help from me!" says McCoy. "I'm a doctor, not a janitor!" McCoy slams the channel shut. Then he looks back at the sickbay floor, off-camera, where people are desperately waiting to use the toilets. "On the other hand..." he mutters, grabbing a mop... Act VII: "...Where No Man Has Gone Before." ============================================ (Recorded in the sickbay toilet): "First... ARGH... Officer's. .. ... log... Stardate...ARGH...I am... indisposed at the moment...GASP...as is most of the crew...we are victims of a plague of diahrrea which...ugh... evidently... ARGH...killed the colonists on Moonus II. I...GASP...surmise that the powder... Chekov found...in the ARGH! in the colonists' home was the result of total dehydration from the diahrrea. At the present rate of spread...gasp... .I estimate we have...ARGH! only a few hours left before we too turn into...GASP...powder..." "This is embarassing," says Sulu to Chekov in the cargo bay/toilet facility that Scotty and his few remaining men managed to rig up. "The ship is on automatic pilot while I, instead of steering the ship, am down here dehydrating along with at least half the crew." "Zis is getting werry werry unsettling," agrees Chekov, sitting beside Sulu. "I've heard of going where no man has gone before, and I've heard of bathroom humor, but this is really bad," sighs Sulu. "I think I'm going to cancel my contract for Star Trek VII." On the bridge, only Uhura remains, sitting as usual beside her communications console. She sings softly to herself a song that sounds like "Greensleeves" but which starts with the words "Hailing frequencies open sir...yes hailing frequencies open, sir..." The Enterprise thus drifts into the Romulan/Federation neutral zone without anyone realizing it. Sulu was, after all, in a bit of a rush when he set the automatic pilot course. "Warning! We have entered Neutral Zone! Warning!" comes the voice of the computer. Uhura suddenly realizes what's going on. She realizes that she must alert the captain. Using her state-of-the-art technology, she locates Kirk in one of the sickbay toilets. She gives a silent thanks that the designers of this new ship, in their wisdom, put an intercom into each toilet stall. "Yes, Uhura?" asks Kirk over the intercom, more than a little annoyed at being interrupted. "I'm busy. This had better be important!" Uhura prepares to tell Kirk of the Enterprise's being in the Neutral Zone, but all that comes out is "Hailing frequencies open, captain!" "WHAT?" asks Kirk. "Hailing frequencies open, captain!" Uhura nearly screams. "Well whoopie-doo," says Kirk. "Now if you'll excuse me..." Kirk severs the channel. On the Romulan Bird of Prey, Subcommander Dunceous is informed of the Enterprise's entry into the Neutral Zone. "Set course to intercept," he tells a young Centurion. "And inform my uncle in the lower decks that we're about to have a little fun! Maybe he'll even leave his stories for a while for this great moment!" Dunceous attempts some maniacal laughter, but all that comes out is a gasp and a sqeak. His officers turn and look at him. "We'll teach them for keeping the Romulans almost totally out of the first five motion pictures!" On the Enterprise, Uhura soon sees the Romulan Bird of Prey approaching as it uncloaks itself. "Hailing frequencies open, captain," she curses under her breath. Then she really opens hailing frequencies. "They're hailing us," muses Dunceous. "Put them on-screen!" The screen in the Romulan ship shows the bridge of the Enterprise. "Is this some sort of trick?" sqeaks Dunceous. "The bridge is nearly empty! Now hear this, Enterprise! Surrender and prepare to be boarded! Drop your shields!" Uhura realizes that she must act to save the Enterprise. But she can only speak one line in this movie. It's in her contract. Her...hmmmm. Uhura takes out her contract for Star Trek VI and VII and tears it up. "That's enough of that," she says. Then she realizes that she can talk again. She strides over to the captain's chair on the bridge. She knows the director will have her head...but she doesn't care any more. She sits down and faces the viewscreen to confront the Romulan menace facing the Enterprise. Act VIII: "The Proposal" ========================= Remus, the Romulan Commander, strolls onto the Romulan ship's bridge. "Ah, Uncle Remus," says Subcommander Dunceous. "I'm just about to blow the Enterprise up!" "Zippidy doo-dah...zippidy-ay...my, oh my, what a wonderful day..." hums Uncle Remus, a dark-skinned Romulan with a deep singing voice. "UNCLE!" sqeaks Dunceous. "Be a good Romulan and talk to them and gloat or something before we blow them up!" "Mr. Bluebird...on my shoulder..." hums Remus. Dunceous rolls his eyes. Remus sighs, "Put them onscreen, Dunceous." The image of Uhura appears on the Romulans' screen. "This is Commander Uhura of the U.S.S. Enterprise," she says. "We have a medical emergency and have inadvertently crossed the Neutral Zone. We apologize." "Apologize?!?!" squeaks Dunceous, standing on tiptoes in a desperate attempt to make himself appear taller than he really is. "HA! We are Romulans! We are strong! We are..." "Hold on a moment," says Uncle Remus quietly to Dunceous. "I find the Uhura woman strangely attractive..." "What was that?" asks the image of Uhura on the Romulan viewscreen. "You are beautiful," intones Uncle Remus. "I expected Kirk, not you..." "I YAM far, far more beautiful than Captain Kirk," confesses Uhura. "Indeed I yam." "I should hope so," declares Remus "You know what happened to his wig earlier?" gasps Uhura, ready to gossip. Dunceous, however, is too busy being pompous to gossip today. "Give us one good reason why we shouldn't blast you into a million pieces!" demands Dunceous of Uhura. He drools in anticipation. "Your shields being raised proves that you're here on a mission to instigate a WAR!" "I though you liked wars," booms Remus quietly to his nephew. "Only when I start them," sniffs Dunceous with dignity. "We need our shields at full," says Uhura. "We've got people ...in the shuttle bay...relieving themselves...that is, going where no man has gone before...if the shields fall, hundreds of lives will be in danger. I can feel their discomfort!" "Bah," says Dunceous. "I have my ailing frequencies open," proclaims Uhura. "THAT'S INSANE!" roars Dunceous. "Not as insane as a bunch of pointy-eared freaky aliens with Roman names wearing armor flying around the galaxy in invisible bird- -shaped ships shooting at everything they can," quips Uhura. "Zippedy-doo-dah," hums Uncle Remus. "What a woman. Brer Rabbit'd love her fer sure...Zippedy-ay..." "Why am I the only sane person in this universe?" implores Dunceous of nobody in particular. "Family Ties, where are you now?" "Well," says Remus, snapping himself out of his humming. "Perhaps we can strike a bargain. Uhura, I will allow the Enterprise to leave for further inane and insane adventures if you'll do one small thing for me. Zippedy doo-dah..." "Anything," says Uhura. "Just stop the humming!" "Marry me," says Uncle Remus. Uhura falls out of her chair. "WHAT?" she asks. "You've already broken your contract for Star Trek VII," says Remus. "You'll be drawn and quartered if you stay on the Enterprise. I offer you a life, love, and further acting possibilities in the Star Trek universe." Uhura shrugs. She claws her way back into the captain's chair. "After 25 years of opening and closing hailing frequencies, anything would be an improvement," she declares. Remus gives a mighty "whoop!" and does a victory dance on the floor of his ship. Dunceous give a mighty "ARGH!" and bangs his head against the nearest console (his head barely reaches that height, of course). And so, Uhura is beamed off the Enterprise. The Bird of Prey speeds off for more serious adventures somewhere (anywhere) else... Act IX: "Never Again?" ======================= "Medical officer's log, Stardate 8777.7: After many hours of testing, researching, and cleaning overflowing toilets, my remaining medical staff and I have finally found a cure for the epidemic which threatens our lives on the Enterprise. It makes no medical sense, but if the afflicted person stands on his or her head, screams "OOGA BOOGA!", and then flips over, hums "Row, Row, Row your Boat" followed by "Old MacDonald's Farm" in the key of G-Flat-Major while tapdancing on the nearest toilet seat, then he or she is totally cured. McCoy out - hopefully not to lunch." "How're ya doin' in there, Spock?" asks McCoy through the door of Spock's cubicle. "OOGA BOOGA!" says Spock, attempting to cure himself. Then there's a sound of scuffling, and then the deep, melodic strains of "Row, Row, Row your Boat" come wafting out. "I do believe it is working, Doctor." Throughout the entire Enterprise, songs, shrieks of OOGA BOOGA, and tapdancing can be heard. Finally, Kirk stumbles out of his receptacle. "Bones!" he says. "I'm cured! What a great cure you just happened to stumble upon. I really liked it! You know why?" "Why?" asks McCoy. "Because it was FUNNY!" babbles Kirk. "This movie was the funniest one yet! AND original! In the '60s, the censors didn't let us do a God encounter and we did it Star Trek V! Now we once again broke new ground and showed the censors who's the boss!" Kirk laughs maniacally and does a few more tapdancing steps. Before long, everyone is back at their posts on the bridge - everyone but Uhura, who is now seeking a more meaningful existence with the Romulans. "Uhura!" declares Kirk. "She's gone! OK... That leaves us with only one course of action - Star Trek VII: The Search For Uhura!" "NO!" screams everyone on the bridge along with thirty million loyal Star Trek fans in innumerable movie audiences throughout the world, more out of sympathy for Uhura than anything else. "Oh...OK," sighs Kirk. "It's not like Uhura has ever saved the ship or anything like that, anyways...maybe we'll get Worf in part-time to play with the hailing frequencies." Scotty arrives on the bridge too. Spock nods. Everyone but Kirk takes out their contracts for Star Trek VII. "Now, now," says Kirk. "Wait until the movie's over to negotiate your contracts. Though I can see why, after this outstanding film filled with humor and original dramatic content, you're all so eager to have your contracts extended to Star Trek VIII, IX, and X. All of which I intend to direct and write myself!" "Now," says Spock. Everyone but Kirk rips up their contracts. "That's that," says Chekov without his accent. "You've done enough damage to my acting career with idiotic movies like this one. I'm leaving." "Me too," says Sulu. "How many times can I say 'Course laid in, sir' before going totally bonkers with boredom?" "Dammit, Jim," says McCoy, "I'm a doctor, not a wreckage specialist! This movie was a medical nightmare. Ooga Booga indeed! I quit." "Same here," says Scotty, without his accent. "I'm going to retire. I'm through making a fool of myself worrying about some stupid engine prop set-up." Spock rips off his ears. "I should have stayed dead," he fumes. "At least I had some dignity back then!" "OK!" says Kirk, running to one side of the bridge. "That's it!" He opens a door. Daylight streams in from outside the set. "That's it! I'm through with you, you bunch of second-fiddle morons! You have no senses of humor! I leave it to your consciences whether to abandon me, your old buddy and boss, all alone here!" Fifteen seconds later, Kirk is all alone, fuming. The bridge lights go off as the special effects people also walk out. He looks into the camera (about to be put away), twists his head, cackles, and says to the Star Trek fans, "I'll get you, my pretties, for mocking me and my directorial ability! I will! I will!!!" From outside the bridge set, a few men wearing white coats come in and give Kirk a nice new, white, starched uniform. "You're getting a nice, long rest," they tell him. "NO!" he says. "I'm a starship captain! I am! I am!" "Come on, then, 'sir'," say the men from the looney bin. "I'll be back! You'll see! I'll be back some day! And I'll give you MORE than diahrrea in Star Trek VII! It'll be funny...Funny ...FUNNY! OOGA BOOGA!" The credits start to roll as the Star Trek theme blasts through the theatre. At the end of the credits, Kirk, in a straightjacket, appears in the center of several concentric circles and gasps out a promise: "Th-th-tha-that's not all, Folks!"...