Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!cs.utexas.edu!lgc.com!rice!lgc!ita!wayne From: wayne@ita.lgc.com (Wayne McCormick) Subject: Parody: Star Drag Message-ID: Sender: usenet@lgc.com Nntp-Posting-Host: elvis.ita.lgc.com Organization: Landmark/ITA Inverse Theory and Applications Distribution: alt Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 14:23:40 GMT Lines: 628 I'm posting this for a friend of mine that doesn't have the ability to post. All questions, queries, comments, and flames to climber@myra.com. ------------------- Begin included message------------------------- Here is a parody that I wrote a REALLY long time ago during my second year at UVIC. Its pretty offensive so you'll have to say this three times before reading it: I am not in Kansas any more. Craig NOTE: the following groups and/or persons are likely to find the following parody offensive (or they may find this message offensive; I believe that every sentence ever written offends someone somewhere, including this one): star trek fans of all types (especially trekkies), women, fans of Don Johnson or Miami Vice, people offended by swearwords, people offended by humor and/or puns, poets (actually, I have nothing against poetry here but these guys are offended by everything), eco-nazis (see poets), lovers of bouyant, semi-translucent life forms, cat haters (I love cats so I always try to offend cat-haters), people who dislike computers and/or technology (see cats), mexicans, fans of the Frantics (yes, they thought of Captain Jerk and Snotty first), and just about everybody else. It would even offend me if I hadn't of written it (but that's because I am a closet eco-nazi). Note that there are a considerable number of typoes and spelling mistakes throughout. This was intentional as I am trying to offend those weenies out there that will actually, incredibly, post a spelling mistake flame to the MILLIONS of netnews servers out there. So here it is: *** ***** * *** **** *** * *** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *** * * * * * * *** * *** * * * *** * * *** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *** * * * * * **** * * * * *** (revision 2). These are the voyages of the Starship Secondprize. Its five year mission to seek out new life, new women and new civilizations and to boldly go where no man has gone before.... and live. "Captain's log, stardate 2423.1231231412312, Commander Spic, first officer of the Secondprize, reporting. Captains Jerk is, well, busy at the moment so I am reporting in his absence." Turning to the camera, Mister Spic paused a moment to stroke the fur of his favorite cat before letting it loose to look for mice, the presence of which is why the vessel is the second best ship vessel in starfleet. "Ship status is nominal. There is a slight variation in the coolent system's dissipation unit that resulted from the minor collision with a small rocky space body. The mass of the body was twenty-thousand, seven hundred and fifty six point two three eight kilograms. The composition of the body was ninety-two percent nickle, six percent-." An angry voice camo from off the set. "We only have an hour per episode which equates to 18 minutes after commercials. In addition, the vast majority of the people watching are stupid. Try to keep it short and sweet, ok?" "Sure Gene" Spic Replied. "We" Spic continued "were circling Uranus looking for Klingons when the navigator banged an asteroid and dented the grill. Repairs are underway." Suddenly, there was a commotion from the communications officer, Lieutenant Awhora. "Mister Spic, you really big guy, there is a distress call coming in on the emergency channel. Its from the pleasure planet Erotica VI. They need help badly." "Gee, that's no suprise" Spic muttered under his breath. Turning to Awhora, Spic wondered why he was in this chicken-shit outfit. "Route the transmission to the sound modulators in the control center of the vessel." Awhora looked back in confusion. "What?" she asked as she stood up to adjust one of the National Geographic posters adorning the upper walls around the bridge. "Let's hear it, and STOP calling me `big guy.`" Seconds later, the heavily distorted transmission was heard in the bridge. "Secondprize, Secondprize can you hear me? Haven't *groan* much time. All the women, gone crazy. All the men dead or dying. Please, Secondprize send h-ssscccrrreeeeeccccchh @$*)$#@& DY*#$Y*DY@DSH# DH ED*HE(O DD in the news today Dan Quayle was caught spraying Dr. Scholl's foot spray into his mouth while preparing for a speech to a huge group of angry feminists. Neaby hospitals prepared for the ensuing riot that was sure to follo- DOIS&*#R& O*UFD*(# UD(*#& EY #HGYRGHFEF$#R$%W{()!)UWD JIHS Secondprize, please come in. They found me. Nowhere to hide; nowhere to run. I can hear the pounding on my door now. Help me Secondprize. No! NO! Stay away! KEEP BACK, I TELL YOU! KEEP BACK!! NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! TAKE ME I'M YOURS!!!!" The transmission was brutally cut short. Spic reached for the intercom. "Captain Jerk, please report to the Bridge." A moment later, Jerk, breathing heavily, answered from another intercom. "What the fuck is it now, Spic?" "Sir, there is an emergency on Erotica VI." "Yeah, so what else is new?" "No, sir, its real trouble. Some of the men are actually dying." "Again, I fail to see your point." "It has something to do with the women going crazy." "Well, why the hell didn't you say so? Set course for the planet immediately! I will be up in a few minutes. OWWWWWWW! Suck, Yoeman, Suck! Blow is just an expression. Spic, make that a couple of hours. Jerk out". Spic turned to Mr. Slulu, the ship's navigator, who was at the moment demonstrating how the solar wind flows over ones hand at warp seven to a pretty exchange student from Antares. "Mr Slulu, there will none of that on duty. Set course for the planet Erotica VI. Maximum warp." Slulu, disappointed, popped the clutch, engaged the turbo and, with a squeal of space tires and flash of special affects, the ship disappeared into the backdrop. Sometime later, Jerk ented the bridge as the ship entered standard orbit around the planet. Looking around the bridge he began to notice that the male crewmembers were getting a little jumpy at the ship's proximity to one of the greatest pleasure planets in the universe. "Hmmmm, we must be getting close to the planet. Report!" he snapped. Spic, with a kitten on his shoulder batting at the points of his ears, said "We are in orbit around Erotica VI. Male crewmember tension is at an all time high. The cold water supply is at an all time low." "Good. Perhaps when are finished with this adventure we can dig into some serious shore leave." There were cheers from the some of the crewmembers. All that could be heard from lieutenant Awhora was a small 'harumph.' Jerk fingered the intercom. "Yo, bones, time for a nice trip down to the planet." Immediately, there was an angry response. "WHAT THE FUCK IS IT NOW?!? HUH?!? OFF ON AN ANOTHER ADVENTURE BOINKING SILLY GREEN WOMEN? I HAVE WORK TO DO! WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THAT POINTY EARED, GREEN BLOODED GALOOT WITH YOU INSTEAD!" "But Doctor," came the soothing reply, "he is already coming with us. Besides, what would we do without your witty repartee whereever we went?" "GODDAMNIT, JIM! I DON'T HAVE TIME TO GO TRUNDLING AROUND THE PLANET! BESIDES, ISN'T THERE SOME KIND OF RULE ABOUT EMPTYING THE BRIDGE TO GO DOWN TO DANGERO-" *click* Jerk moved towards the turbo-lift. Spic, lets go, big guy." Spic was starting to get pissed off. McCoy was already ready to go when they entered the transporter room, grumbling loudly. With him were two red-shirted security guards who Jerk had never seen before. Snotty, the chief engineer and fall guy for any evil women they encounter, was already at the controls. "Ok, lets get this show on the road. Snotty, engergize" Snotty rushed up with tears in his eyes. "But, Cap'n. Dinna go to planet its too dangerous. You MIGHT BE KILLED, MAN!" "Gee Snotty," said Jerk "your concern for my health is admirable but we should leave someone up here to pretend they are in command. Besides, its only a pleasure planet covered with 30 000 000 naked women." "Actually, there are 32 132 142.12312 women to be exact, captain." corrected Spic. "Fuck off, Spic. Anyways Snotty, it could even be a lot of fun with the right frame of mind and some caffeine pills." Snotty then pulled a phaser and aimed at Jerk's head. "What I meant, sir, if y'dinna take me wit you, I'm a gonna have to atomize your face." "Oh," replied Jerk, "Well, in that case, you can come along if you want" Moments later, with a flash of special effects that still look better than the modern ones, the crew disappeared. The materialized in the liveliest section of the planet's capital, Funcity. Seconds after they materialized, an eight foot tall, grey monster with a slick, narrow head and slobbering, drawer-like ejector jaws jumped out of a shadow with incredible speed. It was over the two security guards before they could even think of drawing their weapons. With limbs moving too fast to see and with irresistable strength, the monster tore the two guards to shreds in a fraction of a second. Spic and Snotty turned just in time to get a faceful of guts and blood from the attack. Somehow, Jerk did not get any of this treatment but, for some reason, his tunic was torn. With its grisly work complete, the monster stood slowly and faced the frozen party who were too stunned to draw their weapons. Just as the monster began to move forward it stopped and looked at the crewmembers in confusion. Reaching into its pocket, the monster drew its copy of of the script and looked it over, straightened and looked around at the city, the shocked and stunned cameramen and the gaffer who got a mouthful of the guard's brains. It then looked again at the script, put it away, mumbled "sorry" and trundled off the set, dripping gore every centimetre of the way. Spic cocked one eyebrow and muttered "Fascinating." Jerk, with casual nonchelance, turned away from the scene. "Now that we have got that out of the way, we can get on with the adventure." Stopping, he looked around. "Hmmmmm," mused Jerk "we should have been propositioned at least eight times by now." Spinning on his heels with the practiced bravado of one born to lead he turned to his science officer. "Give me a reading, big guy." The science officer pulled out his tricorder and began to take measurements. Its irritating sound effect drifted through the empty streets which pissed Spic off even more. "Captain!" he called out. "Yo, what ya got there, big guy?" "I have detected the body of a lifeform 23.121724587 metres away, aziumth 27. It appears to be a human male, weight 79.1241231513423 kilograms and it appears he was a caucasian. He seemed to have some kind of social problem that I cannot fathom and there is a large concentration of patroleum grease on or near his head. He also appears-" "That's enough, Spic. Let's go check it out, I'm beginning to get kind of bored." They approached the motionless form. The body was a man wearing an expensive, trendy suit and he had a peculiar look on his face that looked like a combination of sheer terror and overwhelming pleasure. The captain, of course, recognized him immediately. "Hey, that's one of my old academy mates, John Donson. Bones, I want an autopsy." The doctor bent to examine the shrivled form. "OH MY GOD, JIM! THIS MAN HAS BEEN FUCKED TO DEATH!!!!!" "Is there anything you can do to save him?" "DAMMIT, JIM. I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A MAGICIAN!!!!" "Oh well. He was a greasy asshole anyways. Hold on, guys, I want to pay my last respects." Jerk paused a moment to urinate on the body. After a moment of consideration, he spoke a few words of rememberance to his old academy mate." "Sionara, Sucker. Hey, maybe if we're lucky we can find the body of his egomaniac buddy, Sbbut." "Captain! There is lifeform approaching. I roughly estimate that in approximately 18.12312412471827 seconds it will come around that corner." "Quick, take cover!" ordered Jerk. They dived behind a rubber planet, a lifeform unique to the Erotica System, and, wide-eyed, observed an incredibly beautiful green-skinned women armed only with herself and clad in a stainless-steel battle bikini slink around the corner. She had a mean looking two-handed feather strapped across her back. For once the doctor was speechless. Spic Fainted. "Holy Shit" muttered the engineer, "A lassie like that ought to be illegal. Permission to boink her, SIR!" "Put your eyes back in their sockets and pick up your tongues, gentlemen. I believe this is my territory." Putting on an expression that could charm all seven socks off a Denebian Slime Devil, Jerk called out. "Hey, bitch, got a name?" With a bloodcurdling sigh, the woman turned to face the captain. Figuring an easy kill, she heaved her chest and gave him both barrels. Unprepared for this frighteningly sensuous attack, Jerk was hurled meters back into a wall behind him, again tearing his tunic. Sluggishly, he recovers while the green woman moves in for the kill. "Fuck, I am may actually work up a sweat with this one." He flexed his biceps at her. The woman stopped, aghast with this unexpected counter-attack. She responded by gyrating her hips and gave him the old one-two. Jerk grunted as each of the moves strike him. He smiled and alternately raises and lowers his eyebrows at her. Sensing the attack, she fell on her behind as a defensive maneuver and Jerk's attack had little effect. Suddenly, she pulled out a device (from where no one knows) which, when activated, turns all of the stainless steel articles on a person transparent. Knowing he would be out-lust if she succeeded, Jerk switched to a verbal strategy. "How's about you an me get together for some heavy breathing?" The woman was violently thrown back onto her cute little ass and the device went flying. For a moment there is silence but Jerk sucked in his gut and there is an almost audible snap as the tension is broken. The woman, defeated, crawls toward him to end up sobbing at his feet. The captain almost staggers. There is a moan behind him as Spic started to come around. "Doctor, is he going to live? He's the best srtaight man I ever had. Besides, he still owes me money for a bet he lost on out last adventure." "OF COURSE HE'S GONNA LIVE!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A NINCOMPOOP? HOW CAN YOU KILL AN EMOTIONLESS, COLD BLOODED COMPUTER?!?!?!?!? ITS GOT TO BE THAT GREEN BLOOD OF HIS!!!! HIS HEART IS WHERE HIS LIVER IS SUPPOSED TO BE AND HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A LIVER!!!!!" "I am sure the captain is aware of my organic makeup, doctor. Besides, the witches brew made with ichor of newt's eyes that I am sure you use would probably make me want to go out and smell some flowers." "WHY YOU INHUMAN, GREEN BLOODE-" Jerk jumped betweem the two. "Will you two shut the fuck up! Your going to attract every native with a hundred kilometers of here, not that I would really object to such a thing, though. Besides, we have to interrogate the prisoner." At this the engineer steps up eagerly. "Can I questions her? Canicanicanicani? Please, oh pretty please! It would be such fun!" "Sorry, Snotty, but being the captain does have its advantages." He swept the woman into his arms with a flourish seen only in the sixties and carried her off into a nearby building. The engineer started to sweat profusely. Sometime later the captain emerged with a puzzled look on his face. "Strange, I can't get anything out of her. She seems to have completely blanked out." Spic considered a moment. "I doubt you sensual combat could have put her into such a catalepsy. I suggest that she may be influenced by forces that are not readily apparent." "You may be right, whatever it is that you said. Spic, its time for your famous Vulcan mind meld. The sooner we solve this mystery, the sooner we can get down to some serious shore leave." "I believe I can manage it, captain." They entered the building to find the woman had been strapped to a bed with Federation issue 'Interrogate Female Prisoner' fur-lined handcuffs. It was Spic's turn to start sweating. Slowly, he approached the woman who was apparently oblivious to what was going on. In the background, someone began to play the 'Vulcan mind meld theme' on a base guitar. Jerk made a mental note to ask Gene to get a mixer. As Spic came closer, he began to see images in his mind. He made contact. "Spic, that's not quite her face. Her cheeks, maybe, but not her face." "Sorry, captain. I let my Mexican side get the best of me." "No!" he continued as he gripped her face. "No, they are coming closer, CLOSER! So little time. No where to run! Must hide! They see me! Oh shit! Keep away! KEEP AWAY!!! NNNOOOOOO! AARRRRRGGGHHHH!!" Spic was suddenly thrown back on his ass with a frantic expression on his face. "Captain! This is most fascinating!" "What is it, Spic? What did you learn? What's the matter? Do you have the money you owe me?" "Most amazing, captain, OB DOES make a better tampon." "No, you big dummy, what about the women? What has been making them go like that?" "Oh, that! Well, it appears they were invaded by millions of semi-boyant, self-propelled, semi-translucent protoplasmic life forms bent on establishing a glactic-wide symbiosis starting with the inhabitants of this planet. The invaders became fascinated by human sexual practices and decided to set up base here and make their hosts screw everything in sight." "That would explain everything" replied Jerk. "Now, what does that mean for us without eight or nine degrees?" "Oh, well, they've been taken over by millions of horny, flying plastic pukes." "Much better. Bones, I want you to examine her and see if there is a way of curing the affliction. If its not, there may be a way for us to make a whole pile of money with this" "DAMMIT, JIM, I'M A DOCTOR NOT A DOCT- OH, ALL RIGHT!" "Bones, why do you have to yell all the time?" "DAMMIT, JIM, I'M A DOCTOR, NOT AN ACTOR!!!" "Yeah, right. Well, go to it. Snotty, Spic, lets see if we can snag one of them suckers to take back to the ship." Wandering around, the crew members came across several of the disgusting little critters on the underside of a staircase. "Excellent" said Jerk "lets see if we can stun one of them pukey little things." Standing line abreast, the three crewmembers approached the aliens. With hands poised to their sides, they prepared to quick-draw their phasers and let them have it. Normally, one guy would simply wander up and blast one with a phaser but this way they get to placate the producers who wanted this to be a 'space western.' Standing stone-still with they eyes locked onto the aliens and their hands out to their sides over their weapons, the party waited for the captain's signal. A slight wind whipped up and a tumbleweed bounced by. "DRAW!" ordered the captain. With practiced skill, they draw their four phasers (Spic carried two) and started blasting away. A moment later, they stopped firing and observed the results. They aliens appeared to be unharmed. "GOD I love firing these things! Its almost better than sex. Waitaminute! Wow, tough little bastards!" observed the captain. "Put phasers on 'nuke' and we'll try again." They fired and one of the critters fell to the ground with a plop. They approached and examined it closely. It pulsated and slime slowly oozed out several pores along its upper surface. "EEewwwww, YUCK! Ugly little fuckers" said the captain. Reaching down with a pointy piece of glass, he jabbbed it and stuck it into a container Spic had produced. "Let's go and disect this thing. Hey, Snotty, you bring the BarB-Q sauce?" Jerk asked with a chuckle. Snotty paused a moment to barf on Spic's shoes. As they turned to leave, one of the critters detached itself and flew through the air and landed with a splat on Spic's back. "AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH" he screamed as he fell unconcious. "YOU FUCKERS!!!" screamed the captain. Picking up Spic's phasers, the crew set them to 'erradicate with extreme predjudice' and blasted away at the structure. With chunks of concrete flying in all directions, they fired until their phasers were drained leaving a smoking flat area where the building had once stood. Once the sneers had left their faces, they turned to examine Spic who, sickeningly, had turned a dark mauve color. "Jerk to Secondprize" "We are awaiting orders, captain" came the immediate reply. "Three to beam up. Have an emergency medical team waiting for us when we arrive." "You got it, you big sir, you." The crew members disappeared. Sometime later, Jerk was waiting on the bridge for word from the doctor about his friend. "Captain" came the voice of the doctor, "I think I have solved the problem." "Well, lay it on me, bones." "Funny you should put it that way, captain. It appears that all that is required to remove the influence of the critters is prolonged sexual contact with a member of the opposite sex." "You mean to say that ordinary nookie will cure Spic?" "That's right" Immediately after that statement, there was a sudden BOOM sound and a powerful whoosh of air. Jerk turned to see that where Nurse Chapel had been standing all that remained was her tunic and underclothes. Jerk reacted instantly. "SLULU, seal of sections 13a through 47b. We have got to stop her before she reaches Spic. Security!" he screamed into the intercom "Meet me at sickbay immediately!" Jerk launched himself into the turbo-lift. Unless something was done soon, Spic was going to lose it. On the way down he received reports of the running battle being fought between the security crewmembers and the rampaging nurse. The battle was being lost and there was heavy casualties on the security side. Moments after, the ship started to shake and shudder. "Damn" Jerk swore. "She made it to sickbay!" Snotty's desperate voice came through the intercom. "Cap'n! The engines cinna take much more of dis!" "DAMMIT, SNOTTY! We need more power! Hey, wait a minute, we're in orbit. Oh, fuck off Snotty!" The turbo-lift doors swished open. Jumping over the torn and twisted bodies of his former security men, Jerk rushed into sickbay. In the corner sat Bones, his eyes wide with terror. A strong foul haze hung in the air. Jerk feared the worst. Running to the bed, his worst fears were realized. Spic was laid. "Fuckin, eh" said Spic around six or seven cigarettes. "And you get paid for doing this?" "Damn! I'm going to be negotiating with the producers for months, now." he said to himself. Out loud, he feigned concern for his friend. "Spic, you're awake! What happened?" "Well," came the dreamy reply as he looked deep into the nurse's eyes, "It appears the alien infection has left me." "What? I don't understand. What about the people on the planet? The first time they raped someone while under control of the aliens wouldn't they regain control of themselves?" "No captain. The aliens have set up a large base that generates a field of control along the surface of the planet. That's why our prisoner that you captured did not regain control after your, er, questioning." "Ok. So, where's this control center?" "Here, captain." Spic pointed at a city on a convenient viewscreen nearby when they had returned to the bridge. "All weapons locked on to that city and ready to fire, SIR!" beamed checkitoff who stood ready to pounce upon the controls. "Negative, Checkitoff! I am going to beam down to that city and try to negotiate with them critters." There was a long, drawn-out silence from the bridge crew as they stared in shock at their captain. Seeing their confusion, he cocked his head subtley towards Gene who stood off the set. Understanding suddenly dawned on the crewmembers as they turned to their controls. Jerk turned to Spic. "I am going to go in alone. I want you to monitor me at all times and beam me up if necessary. Checkitoff, keep the weapons trained on that city, we may have to fire at a moments notice." He strutted off the bridge as the crew looked on in awe and admiration. Moments later he appeared inside a dark, gloomy looking city, There was no one in sight. Looking around he saw that the tallest building in the city was covered with alien growth. He approached it as this must be the center of the aliens intelligence. He was moving down an alley when he saw a large group of alien controlled women rush towards him, bent on his death. Looking, he saw that Gene had gone to the washroom, drew his phaser set on 'fry' and mowed down the whole lot. He rushed on towards the building. When Jerk was near the building, he saw the several women were waiting for him but, remarkably, he was able to enter without being attacked. Deep inside the building, the lights had turned a deep red and there was a contstant thrumming sound, much like a heartbeat. After traversing several rooms, he entered a vast cavern. The walls were lined with millions of the aliens who were connected with a vast array of tentacles and veins making the room look as if it were alive. Jerk tried to commuicate. "Me Jim Jerk. Me travel many moons and over high mountains and across great river to pow-wow with you." As jerk spoke, he made motions with his hands that were, supposedly, meant to allow the alien to undestand him. Normally, if he talked louder, it usually worked. "We can understand you, you dork. There's no need to pantomine like some low grade actor from Bonanza." Jerk looked away in anger. "You can do nothin to stop us, human! Soon we will control the entire galaxy!" Jerk looked on in confusion. "Yes!" screamed the aliens. "We will soon leave this planet a spread out spoor over the galaxy. None will stand before us! Only moments from now we will have enough energy to lift off and spread like a plague! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!" Jerk reached for his communicator. "SPIC, SPIC, BEAM ME UP!" "Your pitiful little toy will not work, human. You will soon be ours to control!" Looking around, Jerk saw that a multitude of women were moving towards him. "Well, I suppose if I'm going to go, this is the way." The crowd of women split and from their midst strode a 7 foot tall Russion Female Shot Putter. Jerk screamed in terror and fired his weapon indiscriminantly. Seeing a part in the crowd, Jerk dove through it and rushed to escape the building. As he left, he looked back and saw that the entire building was beginning to shudder and slowly lift off the ground. He looked around and saw that he was completely surround. With a swish, a hundred feathers were drawn at once. He reached again for his now-functioning communicator. "They are coming closer, Secondprize. TARGET ALL WEAPONS ON THIS LOCATION AND FIRE!" "But, captain, you'll be exterminated!" "DO IT!!" Spic turned to Checkitoff. "F-" Needing no further prompting, Mister Checkitoff, drooling, stabbed the controls. Instantly, a barrage of photons torpedoes and heavy phasers showered down directly onto Jerk's position. With a bright flash and a ground rumbling explosion heard even from orbit the entire city and surrounding countryside was vaporized. A gigantic smoking crater 50 kilometers across that was slowly filling with lava was all that remained. Jerk managed to jump clear just in time. Looking back at the devastation, Jerk had a face full of satisfaction. Wiping off his tunic, which was clean all of a sudden, he fired up his communicator. "Jerk to Secondprize" "Captain, you big lug, you're alive!" exclaimed lieutenant Awhora. "That's right. Now listen carefully. I want to implement the Doctor's cure for the people of this planet immediately. I want all male crewmembers to report to the planet's surface in shifts and I want all female crewmembers to start making coffee." "Is there anything else?" asked Awhora with a growl. "Yes, pipe this to the rest of the ship." There a click sound followed a short moment of consideration by the captain. Lifting the communicator close, he shouted "SHORE LEAVE!!!!" da end -------------------------End included message---------------------------------- Enjoy! -- Wayne McCormick | Landmark/ITA, Inverse Theory & Applications wmccormick@ita.lgc.com | Calgary, Alberta, Canada | Phone:(403) 269-4669