From dxf12@owl.INS.CWRU.Edu Tue May 3 22:30:36 1994 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["18207" "Tue" " 3" "May" "1994" "23:30:27" "-0400" "Douglas Fowler" "dxf12@po.CWRU.Edu" nil "466" "Stre" "^From:" nil nil "5" nil "Stre" nil nil] nil) Status: O Return-Path: Received: from owl.INS.CWRU.Edu by depot.cis.ksu.edu ESMTP (8.6.9) id WAA17980; Tue, 3 May 1994 22:30:32 -0500 Received: (dxf12@localhost) by owl.INS.CWRU.Edu (8.6.8.1+cwru/CWRU-2.0-bsdi) id XAA25450; Tue, 3 May 1994 23:30:27 -0400 (from dxf12) Message-Id: <199405040330.XAA25450@owl.INS.CWRU.Edu> Reply-To: dxf12@po.CWRU.Edu (Douglas Fowler) From: dxf12@po.CWRU.Edu (Douglas Fowler) To: jfy@cis.ksu.edu Subject: Stre Date: Tue, 3 May 1994 23:30:27 -0400 Star Trek - TOS - The Final Parody Kirk(into chair): Space, the *final* frontier. Nope, there wonUt be any more after this one, babe. I guess IUm like the last cowboy; riding into some 1-horse planet to whip the bad guys each week, then riding off into the sunset with some green or orange or whatever gal on each arm. ThereUs tons more planets than there were towns in that old West, and oodles more galaxies waiting to be shown the greatness of James T. Kirk... McCoy(voice only - we still see stars & the Enterprise whooshing by): Jim, youUre taking too long. Besides, this *is* a sci-fi show, though you do tend to take it like a cowboy. KirK: Right, well, at least my rambling prevents that theme song from playing. (For a change, the Battlestar Galactica whooshes by at speeds we never saw it go at in the show, followed by the Enterprise twice more.) Chekov: Captain, Romulan warbird on sensors. Kirk: Save it till we get on camera, Ensign. (Commercial: Leonard Nimoy advertises the TrekkiesU trendy Ear Club For Men. Just apply to your ears after washing for 14 days, and your ears will be pointed like Mr. SpockUs in weeks. HeUs not just the president; heUs a satisfied customer. ) (Scene: The bridge) Kirk: CaptainUs log: ItUs a giant redwood log, several hundred years old from the region on Earth known as California... McCoy(over intercom): Jim. Kirk: Yes, what is it, Bones? McCoy: YouUre 13 months overdue for your annual physical. Kirk: But, Bones, canUt we just do the one IUm one month late for? Bones: No way, Jim, you have to do them in order. If we do the one youUre 1 month late for, youUll keep putting off the other one till youUre 2 years late for it. (Spock raises eyebrows.) YouUll have to just do the second one right after the first. (Spock raises eyebrows *and* eyelashes.) Kirk: Alright, but come up here, IUm a busy man. (Unnamed female crew- member comes over. He signs something.) Care for a date? Unnamed female...: No, thanks, I just ate. Kirk(to noone, as she leaves): Nice crewmember. I admire spunk like that. Spock: It seems to me there are other things you also admire about her. Kirk: Mr. Sulu, whatUs our e.t.a. Sulu: I believe that stands for Restimated time of arrival,S sir. Chekov: Why donUt they call it e.t.o.a., then? Sulu: Seriously, weUll be at Sigma Phi III in approximately 90 minutes. Uhura utters loud sigh. Spock: WhatUs wrong, Lieutennant. Uhura: I havenUt had a line in weeks. Kirk: At least I asked you out once. Uhura: Yes, Captain, but youUve asked most of the other women on board out at least twice. Besides, thereUs something more... Kirk: What is it? Uhura: One of the funniest lines ever uttered on a Star Trek series - RCaptain, weUre receiving 286,000 hailsS - could have at least been given to me. I would have been satisfied being remembered for that. But that honor went to Wesley Crusher! Kirk: I see your point; itUs bad being upstaged by Wesley. But that line was in another universe; maybe you can utter it here. (Turbolift bay doors are heard to open. Kirk turns around to face a skeleton.) Kirk: Hello, Bones. (Lift door open again; we see McCoy enter, and the skeleton disappears. ItUs not the first continuity problem in the series, though.) McCoy: That pun was as old as the hills. (Pulls out salt shaker.) Spock: Which hills? Those on Gamma VI are... Kirk: Save it, Spock. What is that? McCoy: ItUs a hand-held whirlygig to test your physical state. Kirk: It looks like a salt shaker. McCoy: ItUs that, too. If a crewmemberUs too far gone we can stuff him in the replicator, then, and have lunch. Kirk: What does it say. McCoy: Nothing, Jim, you have to read it. Good God, Jim! Kirk: I appreciate the compliment, but IUd rather have the women calling me that. Spock: What appears to be the problem, doctor? McCoy: Our captain is being poisoned with the male hormone testosterone. Spock: DonUt all humans have that? McCoy: Most do, but JimUs an extreme case. He had so much to begin with another dose or 2 and heUll explode! (Commercial time: A record collection featuring only 1 song, a 1 hour, 9 minute version of RWe DidnUt Start the Fire. Instead of doing headlines from the last 40 years, though, x does headlines from the last 1000 years! Verses like Spanish Inquisition/Westward expedition/Not the Asia route he meant/ Just another continent) (Scene: Transporter room. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are about to be beamed down with several unnamed redshirts. Scotty is there to trans- port.) Kirk: Expendable Ensigns has provided us some fine people for this mission. Now, you have all written your wills and everything? Ensigns: Yes, sir. Kirk: Good (They step on platform.) Scotty, you have the conn. Lt. Uhura has the pro side, and the debate topic for today is admitting tribbles into Starfleet. (They beam down.) (Scene: It looks like Mardi Gras all over the planet. A native, who looks just like a human, steps up to them and place leis around their necks.) Native: Welcome to our planet. WeUve been expecting you. Kirk: Then you know who we are? Native: How else - you look the most like humans of anyone weUve ever met. WeUve been to Earth a lot... Spock: Fascinating. Kirk: You mean some of those UFO sightings we had for centuries were from your people? Native: Many, in fact. WeUre glad you finally came to our party. McCoy: Wait a minute; you mean this whole planet is one big party?! Native: It has been for years. Spock: Utterly amazing. Permission to speak freely... Kirk: IUll say, Spock. An entire culture built around the life of Riley, nobody but the planning committees having much of a care in the world, a planet seemingly at peace with every other species. ItUs actually better than the Star Trek universe in the Next Generation, if thatUs possible. Spock: Actually, Captain, I was referring to the fact that they are exactly like humans in every respect. They donUt have extra limbs, they donUt have green skin, they donUt have scales on their foreheads, and they clearly have the exact number of sensory mechanisms as humans and no more. And, Heaven forbid they should be in a shape dramatically different from humans. Native: What do you want, a computer generated image? McCoy: Some dinosaurs at least would be nice. Kirk: Careful, Bones, you donUt want a repeat of RShore Leave.S Native: Hey, at least it wasnUt SpockUs Brain. Anyway, we canUt recreate anything that fancy. We basically just socialize, get drunk, act crazy... McCoy: Sounds as though you all think youUre in college. Native: ThatUs sort of what our planet is based on. Kirk: So you mean to tell me all those supposed visitors all these years, all the craft that made us dream of interstellar life, all the fabulous adventures both humans and Vulcans dreamt of for so long, were just invitations to a - [dramatic pause that should be about a second but which Kirk holds for about 30 seconds - the longer it is the more dramatic it is, he feels] a party?!?! Native: Well, yes. WeUre glad you finally came. (Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise): Scott: Mr. Sulu, what plot device is preventinU us from beaminU up the landinU party this week? Sulu: Ion storms, sir. Scott(picking up a piece of paper with the word RstormsS on it): But, I canna see any eyes on thisUn at all. AnU why would they be stoppinU me transporters? Chekov: Maybe the storms are made of ions. Scotty: Aye, but thatUs Next Generation thatUs supposed to have the particle of the week causinU problems. Lieutennant Uhura, try to open hailing frequencies to them. Uhura: Yes, MaUam. Scott: WHAT did ye say, lass? Uhura: Just thought IUd change things around a bit, liven them up. Besides, you do look like a woman in your kilt. Scott: Yeah, right. IUd better go down to engineering and check on me precious engines; the little darlins should at least be running right. Chekov: I thought you had a station up here? Scott: THatUs only when the budget gets too tight for another room, lad. Mr. Sulu, take the conn. Sulu: Yes sir. (Picks up CaptainUs chair and carries it offscreen.) (Scene: Engineering - Scotty rushes in to see *his engines* being observed by another fellow) Scott: How are things, lad? Other redshirt: Just fine, sir? Scott: Not causinU any problems? Other redshirt: Well, sir, the dilithium crystals are getting low in port 2, causing a seismic, overproduction reaction in the containment field that... Scott (running to the dilithium crystal chamber and hugging it): Oh, me poor little engine. EverythingUs gonna be all right now, DaddyUs here and heUll make it all better. I love you, you know that. You engines are the best things that have ever happened to me... Other redshirt(in intercom to bridge): Mr. Sulu, you may have to keep the conn for a while; Mr. Scott is really babying his engines again. Sulu(with captainUs chair hoisted on his back): Can you find out where he wants the conn; this is getting heavy. Other redshirt: HeUs sort of busy cuddling an engine now; I guess just sit it down anywhere. Other redshirt out. Chekov(walking up to Sulu): Sir, IUm detecting...(Sulu puts chair down right on ChekovUs foot)...AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAUUUUUUU...(pulls foot out & starts jumping on the other one): ...GGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! Sulu: I always admired the way you screamed in some of the other episodes, but you donUt need to do it now. Chekov: Yes I do, you just sat a heavy chair on my foot! (collapses) Sulu: (Into chair, which happens to be in front of helmsmanUs post): Medical team to the bridge! (To Uhura): Have you been able to locate the Captain? Uhura: He should be right where we left him. Sulu: Well, we need some help. And they may need some help. We also need to move this plot along. IUll be in the transporter room awaiting the signal that itUs okay to beam down. I - (looks around) - I guess you have the bridge. (Scene - a rec room where lots of redshirts are lounging around.) Ensign #1(at pool table, making shot): Boy, was I nervous; I thought for sure IUd get picked when Kirk called for those R4 unnamed ensigns.S WerenUt you, Jones? Jones: I sure was, Smith. (lines ball up): How do you think they died? Smith: Well, I... Sulu(entering room): Smith, come on, we have to beam down. (Smith faints.) (Goes over to his body and starts dragging him, speaks to Jones): It doesnUt matter if heUs already unconscious, weUll beam him down anyway. (Exits) (Meanwhile, on the planet): Spock: Permission to speak freely. Kirk: DoesnUt that sound more like someone talking to Picard? Spock: Perhaps. In that case, permission to babble incoherently, sir. Kirk: Be my guest. Spock: Since I was assigned to this ship, I do not believe RguestS is the proper term.... Kirk: Please, just tell me what it is you were going to say. Spock: What was it - oh, yes. Since they have space travel, Captain, we can invite them to join the Federation if we want. Kirk: I have a better idea. (To natives): Since you are a spacegoing race, the Prime Directive does not apply, and we can interfere in your society in any manner we please. (To Spock and McCoy): This is a lot more fun. McCoy: Since when did you insist a race be spacegoing before interfering? (Sulu and the still-unconscious crewmen beam down to the planet.) Sulu: Captain, we were wondering what was going on. Kirk: Apparently we are unable to communicate because of some interference. Sulu: You mean there is some sort of force field preventing it? Kirk: No, itUs just the incredibly loud music from their stereos. In any event, weUre trapped here right now. (Commercial: Insert own comedy here as I canUt think of any.) McCoy: Not only are we stuck, but the 4 crewmen we brought as security have vanished. Sulu: Were they abducted? Spock: It was more like ignored. They went off in that direction. (Crosses arms, with one finger pointing to his left and another pointing to his right.) McCoy: Any ideas on how to find them? Spock(examining his tricorder): I see no signs of them; I know there was a keg party about 1/2 mile due east, we could look there. Mr. Sulu, why is that man on the ground? Sulu: Still unconscious, sir; he fainted. (Spock raises both eyebrows.) Kirk: What we need to do is make like a banana and split. Spock, you and Sulu go that way; youUre strong enough you can carry that ensign. Bones, come with me. (They split.) (Spock and Sulu, w/Spock carrying the unconscious crewmember over his shoulder, come upon the 4 crewmembers slumped over on several tables.) Spock: Perhaps we should have changed directions; it would not sound logical for you to say RheUs dead, SpockS to me. Sulu: Especially since we donUt know your first name, and it sounds more logical when a 1st name is used. Spock: I donUt think anyone ever invented one for me. Perhaps I should do so myself? Sulu: Suit yourself. Anyway, my tricorder says their just stone drunk and passed out. Spock: How did you get it to talk? Sulu: Their brains arenUt being sucked away, they arenUt inhabited by any aliens, they show no other signs of trauma. Sir, I donUt think they are essential to the plot whatsoever. Spock: When were redshirts ever essential to the plot? LetUs find the captain and the doctor. (Meanwhile, on another part of the planet): Kirk: Gee, what a place! They have everything at this shop, Bones. McCoy: Yeah, but why does it all seem to be going to that temple up there. (Points several yards to the right. Goes up to a patron): Sir, what is that temple? Native: That honors the Arms of Legend. Kirk: The what? Native: It is the title of our greatest and wisest leader, the one who brought us the epitomy of success. Kirk: A statesman? Native: A quarterback. McCoy: Why just Rarms.S Native: Those were the only things that mattered; what were we going to say, that his belly button was legendary? He can heal any problem you may have, and overcome any lead and any defense. Kirk: Bones, can you think of any more jokes for that previous thing about my having too much testosterone? Bones: No, why donUt we just say he healed that. Native: ThatUs a cop-out ending, even for the original series. Spock(*still* carrying the redshirt, approaching the temple w/Sulu): Hello, I am glad you are still alive. McCoy: We are, thanks to this temple; Jim had that poison eradicated. (Spock raises both his eyebrows, pulls the redshirts up, then tries to SuluUs eye- brows, but Sulu dodges him and starts to run. Spock throws the unconscious redshirt into the temple.) Kirk: All right, kids, thatUs enough. You 2 settle or weUre beaming right back. McCoy: How? Spock said the transporter wasnUt working, or weUd lost all power, or one of those plot devices. I forget which. Uhura(voice): Enterprise to Captain, come in Captain. Kirk(opening communicator): This thingUs been giving me strange sounds all day; early this morning I was picking up WMMS from Beta VI. Good music, though. Uhura: Captain, the problem has been solved. Spock(as he and Sulu come back to the landing party): Apparently the force controlling the temple was satisfied when we sacrificed an ensign. Uhura: Well, you can beam up now. Scotty is still with his engines, though we had a slight problem with one that was acting up, and Mr. Scott tried to send it to its room. Unfortunately, the button he pressed almost jettisoned the warp core... Sulu: ThatUs from Next Generation. McCoy: DonUt worry, it could always be a technobabble term here, too. Why, it could even be a term on some *really* hokey movie, like RPlan 9 From Outer Space,S the movie that makes RSpockUs BrainS look like Casablanca. Kirk: Hold it; weUve had enough adventures now - that and the fact all (pause) those (pause of 10 seconds) ships, UFOs, whatever, were just (pause) inviting us to a (20 second pause) party is downright depressing. Spock: That, and the fact that the author is graduating and wonUt be accessing the creative Startrek groups, make this a good place to stop. Uhura: He probably wonUt have time to make any more parodies anyway; I hear heUs going to be a lawyer. McCoy: Wonder if heUll ever say sarcastically to someone: RDangit, IUm a lawyer, not a doctor,S or a whatever? Spock: Interesting, doctor. Perhaps he will write other parodies just for study breaks. Kirk: He used all the best ones on the Next Generation - the one with Calvin & Hobbes & the funny paper guys, the one where Q makes them all ballplayers... Sulu: We didnUt even have enough to field a nine. Not only that, but only 1 was really a situation you yourself would have cherished. Kirk: Well, we should be thankful. We got in one. The (2 minutes pause for drama and so Shatner can go to the toilet; the camera sees him leave, then stays on the scene and sees everyone stay in place for 2 minutes. As Shatner comes back zipping his pants he utters his line) final one. Chekov: Vat a vay to end. The final scene is in the middle of a dramatic pause, and is a character going to the bathroom. Vat does that say? Kirk: It says the human mind is made for parody; it fits the human condition like a glove. Here we are, helpless beings in a universe so infinite, a space so unfriendly, and we act like we own the darn place. Well, maybe we do and maybe we donUt, but... Doug: Hope you enjoyed this and my other parodies. IUve enjoyed yours. Maybe IUll be back someday; maybe weUll just meet in that great beyond, where Bill Shatner might still be giving that speech. :-) Alas, while I have a Delphi account, I donUt have the time to subscribe here. So, goodbye for now, and God bless. -- Doug Fowler: dxf12@po.cwru.edu - Effective 5/12/94, at dougfowler@delphi.com - open longer hours, convenient parking, etc. at our new location :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) Some smiles to make your day brighter :-) :-) :-)