The Definitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 2 A Question of Tongue Five years pass during which the Enterprise discovers at least a dozen new life forms and/or civilizations. On their way back to Earth, the Enterprise encouters a black star. Pulling away from it sends them back more than three hundred years into the past. ("opps") Returning to the present, the Enterprise has a brief shore leave and sets off (with minor crew changes including the addition of one Ensign Chekov) only to encounter, wouldn't you know it, a time disturbance. McCoy, carrying a hypodermic full of cordrazine ("for medicinal purposes only"), ends up getting a sudden urge to visit the year 1930. Finally, after Kirk and Spock go back in time to retrieve McCoy, the Enterprise is able to begin a new mission. One of their first contacts is a primative planet deep in the Gamma Hydra quadrant. Kirk, Spock and Dr. McCoy beam down to the surface. "Hold it right there," a native shouts out. "You're from the United Federation of Planets?" "Yes," Kirk replies. "I need to check your passports. O.K., two humans and a vulcan. How long will you be staying on this planet?" "Actually, were just visiting. In fact, it's a good thing you came along when you did. You see, we're unfamiliar with this planet. Could you please direct us to the centre of global goverment?" "Yes, why it's just a few blocks away." "Well, that's convenient!" "Follow me!" They do. Along the way, they make careful notes concerning their surroundings. "Spock, look at the way these people are dressed! They just have no fashion sense!" "Easy, Jim, remember the Prime Directive: we can't interfere in the local culture." "I guess you're right." They enter a large hall. At the other end of the hall is a man on a throne wearing a pink robe with yellow polka dots. "Spock, I don't think when they wrote the Prime Directive that they ever thought we'd encounter anything quite like this." "Captain, if that man is the global leader, then the others here must either be local representatives or be in charge of specific duties." "Good, then we're in the right place. I'll talk. Greetings everyone! We represent the United Federation of Planets, or simply U. F. P., and we're here to establish formal diplomatic relations with your people. Well? Spock, something's wrong: they look as if they don't understand me." "I'm afraid they don't speak English," their native guide informed them. "Fascinating," comments Spock. "A *totally* alien race." Just then a squad of Klingons bursts in. "This world and everything on it now belong to the Klingon empire! You are from this moment on subject to Klingon law! Any transgression will be penalized by death! Now, you: take off that hideous robe!" "Those bastards!" "Easy, Bones: he's right, it is a hideous robe." "You heard me: take it off!" "He can't answer you," their native companion tells them. "He doesn't speak English. I'm the only one on this planet who can speak English." "Is that so?" The Klingon raises his phaser. ZZZZZZArrrgh! <> "That does it!" "No, Jim, there's too many of them!" Kirk rushes forward and lands a solid punch on the Klingon commander's face. Before any of the Klingons in his squad can react, Kirk shoots them all with his phaser. Breathing heavilly, his shirt torn, Kirk activates his communicator "Kirk to Enterprise. Come in Enterprise! What's your situation?" Kirk wipes blood from his mouth. "Captain, we're in a wee bit of trouble here: we're got a fleet of Klingon warships firing on us! I dinna know how long we cun hold out!" "You've got my permission to fire back with phasers and photon torpedos!" ZZZZZZ -BIP-BIP-BIP- ZZZZZZ -BIP-BIP-BIP- ZZZZZZ "It wurked, Captain! They're running off!" "Good, Scotty! You've earned your pay for the week! Now, beam us up!" "Captain!" "Belay that order, Scotty! What is it Mr. Spock?" "What about our mission here?" "Well if it's true that this man was the only one here able to speak both our language and their's then this mission was a failure unless ... Scotty, who's next in line for duty?" "Lieutenant O'Neil!" "Send him down right away!" Just then, Lieutenant O'Neil materializes. "Wow, you really were standing in line, weren't you?" "Yes, Sir!" "O.K., the situation is this: these people don't speak English. I need someone to stay behind for a few years and learn their language and culture in preparation for our next visit." "Sir?" "That's an order, Lieutenant!" "Yes, Sir!" "Good! Scotty, three to beam up!" Kirk, Spock and Dr. McCoy dematerialize. Lieutenant O'Neil looks at the carnage around him. "O.K., I guess you're all wondering what just happened here." The Definitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 3 The Glory Years Back on the Enterprise, Kirk has Uhura inform Starfleet about their encounter with the Klingons. An emergency session is convened at Starfleet Command and the Federation declares war against the Klingon empire. Meanwhile, Kirk has already started destroying Klingon ships. Much to his disappointment, Kirk is not given the order to go in and devastate Kronos, the Klingon home world. Rather, the Enterprise is sent to the planet Organia, a planet which not only becomes the front line in the Federation-Klingon War but also, oddly enough, is populated by beings of pure energy who ultimately give the cosmic-garden-hose to these lower life forms who haven't yet learned how to play together. Alas, Kirk missed an opportunity to make history as a war hero. In fact, it was beginning to look as though Spock was right: up to this point they really hadn't done anything of historical significance. True, they had already encountered no less than ten advanced civilizations but, with Kirk as our representative, the human race was, understandably, regarded as a race of barbarians who couldn't possibly understand their ways. Actually, that's just as well because, following the same reasoning that lead to the Prime Directive, the Federation did not want to learn anything from advanced civilizations for fear that such knowledge would transform their "normal cultural evolution." This meant that all androids and computers left over by ancient civilizations had to be destroyed along with the knowledge of how to build them. Kirk, of course, had no problem with this particular directive even though it meant foregoing a time machine, the Romulan cloaking device, the ultimate learning machine, the ultimate stimulant and a telekinesis drug. The Prime Directive, however, was a real pain. Kirk managed to get around it though by going to planets that had "already been contaminated" and thus "the damage had already been done", the net result being that at the end of thirteen years, Kirk would be revered as a God on no less than ten planets while violating the Prime Directive a mere four times\footnote {In "The Return of the Archons," Kirk claims that he's not violating the Prime Directive because the Prime Directive only applies to a society making "healthy progress". This is obviously bullshit. If all Kirk has to do is decide that a society wasn't "healthy" then the Prime Directive isn't worth the paper it's written on. Kirk also violates the Prime Directive in "The Apple", "The Gamesters of Triskelion" and "The Cloudminders". He also violates the Prime Directive in "A Taste of Armegeddon" but, in that case, he does so under orders from a Federation ambassador!}. Meanwhile, Kirk was able to make a name for himself as a savior of the Galaxy. Having already rid the Federation of the threats of Romulan invasion, of the ambitious and powerful Sylvia and of Khan Noonian Singh (or so he thought), Kirk went on to destroy the farting pancakes of Deneva, the Nomad probe, the entity known as Redjek, the gaseous cloud of Tycho IV, the Doomsday Machine, the giant amoeba that existed in a region of negative energy, Gorgon (the "friendly" angel) and the Zetarians while at the same time soundly defeating Apollo, the Orions, the Providers of Triskelion, the Kelvans, the hate-monger (with the aid of Klingons, no less), the superhuman meglomaniac "Lord" Garth of Izar and the equally insane Dr. Janice Lester. As if that wasn't enough to satisfy the glory hungry Captain Kirk, Kirk (the "swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood" - Klingon Commander Koloth) would eventually have no less than five successful post-Organian-conflict encounters with hostile Klingons before real negotiations for peace could begin. Truly, these were the glory years for Kirk. The Definitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 3 The Glory Years Back on the Enterprise, Kirk has Uhura inform Starfleet about their encounter with the Klingons. An emergency session is convened at Starfleet Command and the Federation declares war against the Klingon empire. Meanwhile, Kirk has already started destroying Klingon ships. Much to his disappointment, Kirk is not given the order to go in and devastate Kronos, the Klingon home world. Rather, the Enterprise is sent to the planet Organia, a planet which not only becomes the front line in the Federation-Klingon War but also, oddly enough, is populated by beings of pure energy who ultimately give the cosmic-garden-hose to these lower life forms who haven't yet learned how to play together. Alas, Kirk missed an opportunity to make history as a war hero. In fact, it was beginning to look as though Spock was right: up to this point they really hadn't done anything of historical significance. True, they had already encountered no less than ten advanced civilizations but, with Kirk as our representative, the human race was, understandably, regarded as a race of barbarians who couldn't possibly understand their ways. Actually, that's just as well because, following the same reasoning that lead to the Prime Directive, the Federation did not want to learn anything from advanced civilizations for fear that such knowledge would transform their "normal cultural evolution." This meant that all androids and computers left over by ancient civilizations had to be destroyed along with the knowledge of how to build them. Kirk, of course, had no problem with this particular directive even though it meant foregoing a time machine, the Romulan cloaking device, the ultimate learning machine, the ultimate stimulant and a telekinesis drug. The Prime Directive, however, was a real pain. Kirk managed to get around it though by going to planets that had "already been contaminated" and thus "the damage had already been done", the net result being that at the end of thirteen years, Kirk would be revered as a God on no less than ten planets while violating the Prime Directive a mere four times\footnote {In "The Return of the Archons," Kirk claims that he's not violating the Prime Directive because the Prime Directive only applies to a society making "healthy progress". This is obviously bullshit. If all Kirk has to do is decide that a society wasn't "healthy" then the Prime Directive isn't worth the paper it's written on. Kirk also violates the Prime Directive in "The Apple", "The Gamesters of Triskelion" and "The Cloudminders". He also violates the Prime Directive in "A Taste of Armegeddon" but, in that case, he does so under orders from a Federation ambassador!}. Meanwhile, Kirk was able to make a name for himself as a savior of the Galaxy. Having already rid the Federation of the threats of Romulan invasion, of the ambitious and powerful Sylvia and of Khan Noonian Singh (or so he thought), Kirk went on to destroy the farting pancakes of Deneva, the Nomad probe, the entity known as Redjek, the gaseous cloud of Tycho IV, the Doomsday Machine, the giant amoeba that existed in a region of negative energy, Gorgon (the "friendly" angel) and the Zetarians while at the same time soundly defeating Apollo, the Orions, the Providers of Triskelion, the Kelvans, the hate-monger (with the aid of Klingons, no less), the superhuman meglomaniac "Lord" Garth of Izar and the equally insane Dr. Janice Lester. As if that wasn't enough to satisfy the glory hungry Captain Kirk, Kirk (the "swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood" - Klingon Commander Koloth) would eventually have no less than five successful post-Organian-conflict encounters with hostile Klingons before real negotiations for peace could begin. Truly, these were the glory years for Kirk. The Definitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 4 A Hostile Creature Continuing their reign of terror in the quadrant 146, Kirk, Spock, McCoy and a security guard beam down to a planet covered with rock and sand. "O'Malley, you go on ahead," says Kirk. "Yes, Sir!" he replies. O'Malley scans every inch in front of him, his phaser at the ready at all times. Truly, he is the epitome of Star Fleet training. Suddenly, he sees something. He frowns, puzzled. Then, with a look of horror, he screams. Kirk, Spock and McCoy come running. McCoy takes out his all-purpose-diagnostic-device. WOOOOOO "He's dead, Jim" he concludes. Kirk looks away. "Captain," says Spock. "Look!" "What is it, Mr. Spock?" says Kirk. "Large tracks, freshly laid." "What does it mean?" "I suspect the creature that laid these tracks is the same one that killed O'Malley." Kirk bites his lip. "Options, gentlemen?" he says (after releasing his lip). "I say we get the hell out of here!" says McCoy. "Or we track down the creature," says Spock. "I'm responsible for the men under my command," says Kirk. "We track down the creature." Following the tracks in the sand, they arrive at a cave. Spock activates his tricorder. WOOOOOO "The creature is in there," says Mr. Spock. Suddenly, a loud roar is heard from inside the cave. "I see something," says McCoy. "Phasers on Maximum," says Kirk. "On my command. Fire!" ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Spock enters the cave. "There's nothing left but ash. It's a shame we didn't get a chance to study the creature." "Sorry, Mr. Spock," says Kirk. "Perhaps you should have said something earlier." They leave. Meanwhile, in the cave, a trace of the creature yet lives and is growing. Many years pass. The original Starship Enterprise is long gone, having been destroyed in a conflict with Klingons. A new starship bears the name Enterprise, the fifth to do so. It is this starship that now orbits the same planet that the original Enterprise orbitted a century ago. The ship's Captain, Jean-Luc Picard, is in his ready room which adjoins the bridge. "Captains's Log, stardate 41880.8. The distress signal from Vega Colony was followed by information concerning a hostile creature on the planet surface. I have asked my first officers to assemble in the conference room. Log entry over." Soon, Picard is in conference with First Officer Commander William Riker, Lieutenant Commander Councellor Deanna Troi, Second Officer Lieutenant Commander Data, Security Chief Lieutenant Worf, Chief Engineer Lieutenant Geordi LaForge, Transporter Chief Miles O'Brien, Chief Medical Officer Doctor Beverly Crusher and her son, Acting Ensign Wesley Chrusher. Picard: "It seems we have a problem: a hostile creature." Riker: "We should plan our strategy." Worf: "I say we should kill it." Troi: "I sense that it is not malevalent; it's just confused." Data: "Am I to understand that confusion is sufficient cause for hostility?" O'Brien: "We could beam it aboard and put it in a containment field." Worf: "And kill it!" Doctor Crusher: "But Worf, it's a living thing!" Geordi: "That's just it: I've been studying it and I can't figure out what keeps it alive." Wesley: "I know! No matter what equation I use, no matter what parameters I use, it just doesn't make sense." Worf: "I still say we should kill it." Wesley: "Wait! I think I've got it!" Picard: "What is it?" Wesley: "If I use this equation and substitute in imaginary parameters then that leads to the sort of effects were seeing. That means it's siphoning energy from another dimension!" Geordi: "Good work, Wesley!" Worf: "Does this mean were not going to kill it?" Picard: "Geordi, I want you, Data, O'Brien and Wesley to come up with a way of slowing the rate at which it draws energy, weakening it enough for us to be able to handle it safely." Geordi: "We'll get right on it!" Picard: "Good, keep me informed." They all get up to leave except Worf. He remains seated, deep in thought. "I still say we should kill it and be done with it," he says, finally, after they've all left. He shakes his head and leaves the room. The Definitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 5 Historical Accuracy Picard is, once more, in his ready room recording his log. "Captain's Log, stardate 41882.3. The creature which had been terrorizing the people of Vega Colony has been captured and is being contained on the planet surface. Specialists in first contacts with unusual life forms are now being brought in in an attempt to communicate with it. "Meanwhile, in attempt to determine whether there were ever any sightings of such a creature before, Lieutenant Commander Data has informed me that in a review of the Log of the original Starship Enterprise as recorded by then Captain James Kirk, it was found that he, his First Officer and Chief Medical Officer encountered a creature which may be of the same type as this creature, if not *the* same creature. Either way, that creature was believed to be destroyed by phaser fire. Although I, personally, do not approve of how he resolved the situation, Kirk obviously saw that creature as a threat and acted in a manner consistent with his experience. I only hope that his actions a back then do not in any way impede our efforts to live in peace with the creature we are encountering now, a century later. Log entry over." Picard sits momentarily with his left elbow on the table in front of him and his mouth resting against his open fist. He looks up at the door and decides to go assume his place on the bridge. On the bridge, Picard finds Riker, Troi, Data and Wesley sitting at their stations around the command chair. Worf stands behind, the large console in front of him made to blend in with the decor of the bridge. The Captain sits down. "Status, Lieutenant?" Data replies, "Maintaining standard orbit around the planet below, Sir." Picard nods in approval. "Well, Number One," he says, refering to Commander Riker. "I've just been considering Federation history." Riker smirks. "It seems the original Starship Enterprise visited this planet nearly a century ago." Riker eyes widen slightly. "As you no doubt know, the Captain of the Starship Enterprise at the time was Captain James Kirk but did you know that not only was he Captain of that Starship for thirteen years *but* that he assumed command following the V'ger incident despite having been promoted to Admiral?" Riker smirks and nods. "They say he loved his ship more than any woman." "Yes," says Picard, raising his eyebrows, "and that's not all they say in that regard either." Riker smirks again. "Number One, over the course of twenty years, James Kirk in command of the original Enterprise saved the Federation countless times." Data turns around. "Fifteen times to be exact." Everyone looks at Data. "According to Kirk's own logs." "Indeed, well that *is* a legacy to proud of." Worf: "If I may say so, Captain, Kirk is highly respected in Klingon history as well. For a Klingon, it was a great honour to die in battle against *the* Captain Kirk." Picard looks subdued. "Perhaps, Worf, but that is one aspect of our history that we don't take pride in." Worf looks annoyed. There is a momentary silence which Wesley breaks. "You know, I've been thinking, seeing as how we have so much information on Kirk, why don't we recreate him on the holodeck?" Picard nods. "Interesting suggestion, Ensign, but it would have to wait until our mission is completed here." Meanwhile, in the Vega Colony, the Federation experts have made a breakthrough with the creature, now being able to have it respond to their questions. They send a message to the Enterprise telling them that their presence is no longer needed. The Enterprise leaves orbit. During his lunch break, Wesley goes around asking people if they're interested in experiencing a recreation of the original Enterprise. Picard, Riker, Data and his mother are interested but Troi, Geordi and Worf are not (Worf: "Do you really expect me to just walk up to your hologram of Kirk and *shake hands*?"). That evening, he has the replicator make five period uniforms. He puts on an a junior engineer's uniform on, goes to Holodeck 1 and asks the computer to recreate the bridge of the original Enterprise circa 2270. The holodeck doors open and Wesley finds himself walking onto a perfect replica of the old bridge. He looks around. There's a "security guard" on his right standing between him and "Lieutenant Uhura", "Commander Spock" is at the science station, "Lieutentants Chekov and Sulu" are at navigation and helm and "Doctor McCoy" is standing to the left of "Captain Kirk" who sits in the command chair. Just then, the "security guard" walks up to him and asks him what he's doing on the bridge. "Oh, uh ... I've ... just been transfered from Starbase 7. I thought I'd take a look at the bridge." "You don't belong here! Go back to Engineering!" "Uh ... computer: freeze program." The holograms stop moving. Wesley walks around "the bridge", looking at the holograms with a goofy smile on his face. He makes his way back to the door. "Computer: exit." He leaves. The next morning, Wesley is standing infront of the doors to Holodeck 1 dressed in a red shirt with one stripe on each sleeve indicating the rank of Lieutenant. Picard, dressed in a Captain's uniform, and Data, as a Lieutenant Commander, walk up to him. "Ensign, that's a Lieutenant's uniform you're wearing." "It was necessary, Captain." Just then Riker comes along, looking down at his shirt as if it had a big stain all over it. "Captain, I don't think green is the right colour for me. I mean, Captain, do I look like a First Officer in this?" Picard hesitates to answer. "Actually, Commander, I don't think the shirt has anything to do with it." Riker looks hurt. "Perhaps you should grow a beard." Riker assumes a look of profound thought. Finally, Doctor Crusher comes along wearing a red uniform that reveals her long legs. Picard is noticably moved. "Are we ready?" Wesley asks. "What? Oh, yes, of course. Make it so." "Computer: Crusher Program 10." The doors open. "What about Data? What are we supposed to say about him?" Doctor Crusher asks as they step forward. "They're all programed to see a Vulcan," Wesley replies. He then turns to the "security guard" on duty. "You're dismissed, Ensign." "Yes, Sir, Lieutenant," the hologram replies. It then steps behind them and vanishes. The holograms of Kirk and McCoy turn to look at Data, Riker, Picard and Doctor Crusher as they step forward. "To what do I owe the pleasure, gentlemen?" "Kirk" asks. "... and lady." "Kirk" smiles at Doctor Crusher. Doctor Crusher whispers in Picard's ear. "The computer's got him pegged alright." Picard hams it up. "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard, this is my First Officer Commander Riker, my Second Officer Lieutenant Commander Satak and my Chief Medical Officer Doctor Beverly Crusher. You're to take us to Starbase 9. We're to assume command of a ship there, the U.S.S. Valiant." "Kirk" extends his hands in front of him, frowns a bit and cocks his head to one side. "This is a bit unusual." "The current Captain, First, Second and Medical Officers are all retiring. We're to assume their mission." The hologram of Kirk looks incredulous. "Well, then, why didn't they just go to Starbase 7 and pick you up themselves?" Picard throws out his hand, fakes a laugh and shakes his head. "Kirk" shakes his head and laughs. "That damned Starfleet bureaucracy." He turns to face forward. "Chekov, plot a course for Starbase 9. Sulu, ahead warp factor six." "Spock" looks up. "Captain, at warp factor six, we'll reach Starbase 9 in three days, eleven hours and forty-seven minutes." Riker whispers in Picard's ear. "How the hell is he supposed to know that?" Picard whispers back. "Obviously, a mistake in the program." "Kirk" looks at them and cocks his head to one side. "Something wrong, gentlemen?" "No, everythings fine," Picard replies. "What about you, Jim, are you feeling alright?" the hologram of McCoy asks "Kirk". "I'm fine, Bones, ... really," he replies, looking tired. "Well, I'd like to see for myself if you don't mind." The hologram of McCoy straightens up, checks his pockets, looks as though he's about to swear and then notices Doctor Crusher's medical bag. "May I borrow your bag for a moment, Doctor?" Doctor Crusher is so engrossed in the sophistication of the holographic illusion that she almost doesn't hear the question. "Oh, of course, go ahead." "Thank you." "McCoy" opens the bag. "Say this stuff is really state-of-the-art!" "Yes, it's the latest from Starfleet Medical." "McCoy" takes out her all-purpose-diagnostic-device and waves it in front of "Kirk". "McCoy" looks puzzled. "Bones, what's wrong?" "You're dead, Jim." "What?!" Picard: "Computer, freeze program." Wesley: "Sorry, Sir." "That's alright, Wesley. We were only going to stay a few minutes anyway. My goodness, that was exciting! So real!" He turns to the door. "Computer: exit." They wait for Doctor Crusher to retrieve her bag and leave. Later, Wesley is talking to Worf on the bridge. "It was really neat!" Worf looks annoyed. "Klingons don't like 'neat'." "But, Worf, wouldn't you like to have met Kirk?" "Wesley, I have more important things to worry about. *Now leave me alone*!" Wesley looks like he's about to say "Gee." Worf calms down. "I didn't mean to get angry, Wesley." Wesley looks relieved. "Now go!" He does! Worf finishes his shift and goes into the turbolift. "Deck 10," he says. The turbolift takes him to deck 10 and the doors open. He walks out and goes to the nearest holodeck. "Callisthenics program of Lieutenant Worf, level 10." The doors open and Worf enters. Worf finds himself on a world where the land is violently shaking and crumbling away revealing pits of molten lava. He turns and sees, standing in front of him is a hologram of Admiral James Kirk! "Alright, Klingon, my son is dead, my ship's destroyed and now you're going to pay!" The hologram of Kirk lurches forward, just missing Worf. Worf elbows him in the back, causing him to drop onto his knees. Before, "Kirk" can get up, Worf kicks him at the base of the spine. With "Kirk" lying face down, struggling to get up, Worf kicks him in face. The hologram of Kirk is no longer moving. Worf screams with satisfaction. The Definitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 6 That's Entertainment, Mon Capitaine! In a monitoring station on a colonized planet in the Mutara sector, an ensign tries to get his commander's attention. "Commander Wrigley, Sir?" "Yes, Ensign Priestly?" "Well, I've been monitoring our moon and ... the fact is it's not where it's supposed to be." "Where is it then?" "Closer, Sir, and to an ever increasing degree." Commander Wrigley remains calm. "Are you sure you haven't made some mistake?" "I would prefer to think so, Sir." "Let me see." Ensign Priestly moves out of the way. Wrigley proceeds to confirm his observations. "And you're sure there's no malfunction?" Priestly shrugs his shoulders. "We'd be able to recognize a sensor malfunction if the sensors didn't agree amongst themselves, but they do and a computer malfunction would be system wide, it wouldn't be restricted to just this." Wrigley looks resigned. "Then we'll have to proceed on the theory that our moon's orbit actually *is* decaying and that we're going to die unless we can evacuate before the planet is pulled apart. We can only pray that there are enough ships in this sector that it doesn't become a question of deciding who lives and who ... doesn't." Priestly offers a suggestion. "If the Enterprise were in this sector, perhaps they could find some way to put the moon back in it's proper orbit." Wrigley looks at Priestly as though he'd gone mad. "Ensign, our moon is the size of a small planet." "Yes, Sir, but at the Academy ..." "Ensign, there is no way a Starship can move anything that big." "At the Academy, they taught us about the crew of the original Starship Enterprise and how they could always outperform normal expectations. I just thought that maybe there's a way it could be done even though we can't think what it might be." Wrigley shakes his head. "I know it's a small hope, Sir, but ..." Just then, Priestly's eyes glaze over. "Who ya gonna call?" "What?" Priestly's manner has changed completely. He steps back lightly, then begins to sing and dance\footnote{to the tune of "Ghostbusters"}. Priestly: \begin{verse} "Your sun's too close\\ And you're about to roast\\ Who ya gonna call?\\ Enterprise!" \end{verse} Wrigley walks up to Priestly and is about to grab him when, suddenly, his eyes also glaze over. Priestly continues. \begin{verse} "Your planetary core\\ Is stable no more\\ Who ya gonna call?\\ Enterprise!" \end{verse} Wrigley: \begin{verse} "The Romuluns\\ Are aiming their guns\\ Who ya gonna call?\\ Enterprise!\\ A Ferengi\\ Has something up his sleeve\\ Who ya gonna call?\\ Enterprise!" \end{verse} Priestly and Wrigley together: \begin{verse} "I ain't 'fraid of no Klingon\\ I ain't 'fraid of no Klingon" \end{verse} Priestly: \begin{verse} "An alien race\\ From outer space\\ Who ya gonna call?\\ Enterprise!\\ A new life form\\ Which is out of the norm\\ Who ya gonna call?\\ Enterprise!" \end{verse} Wrigley: \begin{verse} "A conspiracy\\ Against Star Fleet\\ Who ya gonna call?\\ Enterprise!\\ You need an android\\ Or a Betazoid\\ Who ya gonna call?\\ Enterprise!" \end{verse} Priestly and Wrigley together: \begin{verse} "Who ya gonna *call*?\\ Enterprise!" \end{verse} Suddenly, Priestly stops. He watches his commander dance around only vaguely aware of having done so himself. Wrigley: \begin{verse} *Who* ya gonna call?\\ Enterprise!" \end{verse} "Commander?" Wrigley continues to dance. "Yes?" "Commander, shall I send a distress signal?" Wrigley stops dancing. He looks around as though he doesn't know where he is. "The moon, Commander." Wrigley straightens himself. "Yes, send a distress signal on all frequencies." "Yes, Sir!" "And, Ensign." "Yes, Sir?" "This never happened, understood?" "Understood." The Ensign proceeds to send the signal. Meanwhile, on the Enterprise, Wesley is in his room preparing for an exam. He's been at it for hours now and he looks about ready to just pack it in. He thinks outloud, "Maybe I should just save the rest for tomorrow when I'm not so tired." He gets up and walks over to his bed which he sits down on. "It wouldn't be so bad," he says as he takes his shoes off, "if they didn't expect so much from me. Just because physics comes easy for me, people expect it's going to be that way for me with all my other courses too." Wesley leans over to put his shoes on the floor, his eyes closed. Suddenly, his eyes are wide open. He gets up and starts to sing\footnote {to the tune of "Why Must I Be a Teenager in Love", lyrics by Ryan D. Mathews} and dance around. Wesley: \begin{verse} "While all my buddies walk the halls and cruise for girls,\\ I'm in the SciLab, watching random plasma swirls.\\ Sometimes I feel like I'm wrapped up in chains,\\ Why must I be a teenager with brains?\\ \ \\ I'm in the classroom, studying those bytes and bits,\\ Just when I'd rather be studying some girl's -- hair.\\ They think I'm smart, but it's really such a pain.\\ Why must I be a teenager with brains?" \end{verse} All of a sudden, Wesley feels dizzy and disorientated. The last thing he clearly remembers was sitting on his bed. "Wow, I really am tired," he says as he makes it back across the room. This time, nothing prevents him from achieving sleep. Councellor Troi, meanwhile, is in her office. She has just finished advising Ensign Smith who was feeling troubled. "Thank you," he said as he rose out of his chair, "I've always been reluctant to tell people how I feel." "Your welcome. Bye!" Just outside her office, Ensign Nguyen is waiting to see her. He sees Ensign Smith leave and goes in. Troi smiles at him from behind her desk. "Please sit down," she says. He does. "So, what seems to be the trouble?" "Oh, no trouble at all," he replies. "Oh, come now, what is it you wanted to see me for?" Ensign Nguyen smiles broadly. His eyebrows bounce up and down. Troi recieves an impression from him (as if she had to). "Out! Get out!" He does. Troi walks around the room, troubled. All of a sudden, she stops walking, frowns and places her left hand over her brow. She closes her eyes hard, then relaxes them and opens them. Her hands sweeps out in front of her and she begins to dance, gracefully, then stops, points to herself and begins to sing\footnote {to the tune of "I'm Just a Gigolo", lyrics by Ryan D. Mathews and myself}. Troi: \begin{verse} "I'm just the counsellor, they all say "Look at her!"\\ The only thought that's in their heads.\\ I read their little minds, as they stare at my behind,\\ Oooh! Makes me turn red!\\ There will come a day, when bustlines fall away,\\ What will they say about me?\\ When the end comes for her (that's Troi, the counsellor),\\ Ship goes on without me!\\ \ \\ I'm just a Betazoid, but I do get annoyed\\ When people think of me so lightly.\\ I try to act my best, but all they notice is my chest,\\ Oooh! What about me?\\ There will come a day, when I won't look this way,\\ What will they do about me?\\ I know I'll be annoyed when they ditch the Betazoid,\\ Ship goes on ... without ..." \end{verse} Troi stands completely motionless and appears to stare off into space. She then leaves, obviously in a hurry. Down in Engineering, Geordi is carrying out a level 1 systems wide diagnostic. So far everything has worked out perfectly. He's crossing the floor on his way to pick a piece of equipment when he stops, kneels on the floor, puts his right hand on his chest, his left hand in the air and starts singing\footnote{to the tune of "You're 16", lyrics by Ryan D. Mathews}. Geordi: \begin{verse} "You come on like a dream,\\ Your impulse runs clean,\\ Your warp drive is perfectly fine,\\ You're Big E, you're beautiful, and you're mine!\\ \ \\ Your phasers run true,\\ Your transporters, too,\\ Your antimatter mix is on-line,\\ You're Big E, you're beautiful, and you're mine!" \end{verse} Troi arrives in Engineering. "Geordi?" Geordi gets up. "Yes, Deanna?" "Geordi, why were you singing just now?" Geordi is about to answer her and stops. "I don't know." Troi nods. "Geordi, I felt a presence just a few minutes ago. I sensed it was here in Engineering." "Is it here now?" Troi looks up at the ceiling. "No, it's on the bridge." The Enterprise was one of the first ships to respond to Ensign Priestly's distress signal. No sooner does the Enterprise come into visual range than does the danger mysteriously disappear. Commander Wrigley appears on the bridge's main viewer. "Captain, I'm sorry to have diverted you. Our sensors *were* telling us that our moon was in a decaying orbit." "That's quite alright, Commander." Data: "Sir, long range scanners did indicate that their moon was in an unusually low orbit until ten seconds ago." Picard: "But how can that be?" Just then there is a flash of light. The entity known as Q appears, dressed in a tuxedo. "It was me, Jean-Luc. I did it." "Q! Why? Why did you torment these people?" "Oh, come now, Jean-Luc. There was no harm done. Besides, I had to do it." "You *had* to do it? Why?" "I can't tell you." "You can't tell me?!" "There are just certain things that you couldn't possibly understand." "Try me." Q sighs. "Very well: you see, all this is supposed to be funny." Picard looks deadly serious. "I'm not laughing, Q." "That's because you didn't see all those people singing. Oh, Jean-Luc, it was marvelous." Picard is now furious. He shakes his finger at Q. "Q, I want you off this ship this instant!" "And what if I don't, Jean-Luc? What will you do then?" "Just go!" "I can't, Jean-Luc. You still need me." "No - we - don't, Q! Whatever it is you're here to do for us, we can do just as well on our own." "Of that, Jean-Luc, I have no doubt. Very well then, I'll go, but I'll be back the next time you need a plot device." Q disappears in a flash of light. Riker: "What do you suppose he meant by that?" Picard ignores Riker's question, looking completely spent. Slowly but surely, with Q gone, they all relax. This time, while an annoyance, Q didn't present himself as much of a threat. As it turned out however, they would have done well to fear Q's return for the next time he appeared, he brought about the Enterprise's first encounter with the Borg, an alien race that conquers by striping civilizations of their technology. The encounter left Picard with the chilling prospect of the Borg entering Federation space. Unbeknownst to Picard at the time, however, the Borg had already discovered the existance of the Federation a couple of years before Q introduced them to the Enterprise. In fact, as a result of their encounter with the Borg, Starfleet came to realize that it must have been the Borg, not the Romulans, who were responsible for the recent destruction of outposts along the Federation-Romulan Neutral Zone, the zone which neither Federation nor Romulan ships were to cross for fear of violating a two hundred year old treaty; this in turn supported the Romulan claim that some of their outposts had been destroyed, a claim which the Romulans were making to justify breaking that aformentioned treaty\footnote{In the episode "The Neutral Zone", A Romulan warbird crosses the Neutral Zone but they turn back when they see the Enterprise. In "The Enemy", the Romulans send a scout ship which crashes on a stormy planet; when a Romulan warbird is sent to rescue them, Picard chastizes them for being so sneaky. Then, in "The Defector", the Enterprise is lured into the Neutral Zone; when the Romulan commander tells Picard he's going to die, Picard says "So could you." and the Romulan says (off camera) "I think he means it." and decides to let them go. In "Tin Man", the Romulans send some cannon fodder after Gamtu, a creature that knows how to handle Romulans. Since then, we've had mind control ("The Minds Eye"), infiltration ("Data's Day" and "Redemption") and an aborted attack on Vulcan ("Unification").}. The Definitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 7 Encounter at the Neutral Zone Picard arrives on the bridge from his ready room. "Number One!" Riker looks up. "Yes?" Picard sits down. "I've just received a comuniqu\'e from Starfleet. There's a Romulan warbird crossing the Neutral Zone." "Uncloaked?" "Uncloaked!" "Sounds like they want to provoke an incident." "Yes and we're the nearest ship so we'll have to intercept them. Ensign Chrusher, put us on an intercept course with the Romulan warbird." "Aye Aye, Sir!" They don't have long to wait before Data confirms the information Picard recieved from Starfleet. "We're picking up the Romulan warbird on sensors." Picard: "Councellor, do you sense anything from the Romulans?" "No, they're too far away." Data continues. "Coming into visual range ... now." Picard: "Shield's up! Worf, hail the Romulan vessel." Data: "The Romulans are powering up their disruptors. They're firing." Worf: "They are not responding to our hail." Troi's eyes glaze over. "Captain, I sense ... hostility." "Thank you, Councellor. Data, how long can we withstand the Romulan attack? "At the present rate of bombardment, our shields will stay up for one hour, 35 minutes and 26 seconds." "Good, that gives us time to consider how to respond." Worf frowns. "Aren't we going to retaliate?" "Not until we've considered all available options. I want all senior officiers to assemble in my ready room in ten minutes." Ten minutes later, the meeting begins. Picard: "Now, Worf has already recommended retaliation. Does anyone here have another suggestion?" Geordi: "Just this: we could tap auxiliary power through the holodecks and at the same time expand their range of influence to well beyond the confines of the ship. Then it'd be a simple matter of programming a fleet of Federation starships. The Romulans would most likely break off their attack and return to Romulan space." Picard nods. "Make it so." Later, Geordi steps out of the turbolift and arrives on the bridge. "Captain." Picard stands up, turns and looks at him. "Yes, Geordi?" "It seems auxiliary power is a bit low right now so I had to do some rerooting. Even so, we won't be able to create a hologram of an entire fleet." "So what have you programmed?" "One starship and two shuttlecrafts." "It'll have to do. Make it so." Picard sits back down. "Computer: LaForge program 53!" A hologram of a starship shimmers into view above the two ships. Data: "The Romulans have broken off their attack." Worf: "Captain, the containment field around the antimatter in the Romulan warp drive has dropped." The Romulan warbird explodes. Picard shakes his head. "They destroyed themselves rather than allow themselves to be captured. Worf, inform Starfleet Command of the situation. Ensign Crusher, set a course at Warp 6 for the nearest Starbase. Engage." Suddenly, there is a violent lurch. Geordi is thrown off balance and falls on the floor. Picard: "Geordi!" Geordi sits up. "Geordi, what just happened?" Geordi gets up and straights his visor. "Seems I rerooted a bit too much power from the inertia inhibitors. They didn't fully compensate for the acceleration." Worf slowly picks himself up. "Ugh." Riker hears Worf and turns to face him. "Worf, are you alright?" "Of course, Commander!" Riker realizes what must have happened and moves toward him. "But you were thrown against the wall!" "Yes, well, perhaps it's time I got my own chair." The Definitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 8 The Uncanny Q-Men The Enterprise crew was pleased to welcome back Doctor Crusher after her three year as head of Starfleet Medical. (They never did like Doctor Polaski.) She had a lot of catching up to do with Wesley; although Wesley hadn't aged much physically, he had gained much experience through his honourary rank. He also had started dating. She felt - and probably still feels - uncomfortable with the idea of her son dating, but a routine examination by Doctor Selar revealed no S.T.D.s so that meant one less worry. Wesley, meanwhile, was being instructed by Data, apprenticed by Geordi and otherwise looked after by Riker (who was setting a very bad example; no wonder his mother was so worried). In two years, he would have enough experience to qualify for an unconditional entry into Starfleet Academy. (When the time comes, however, he would decide instead to stay on the Enterprise for another year and have his time on the Enterprise count towards credits at Starfleet Academy.) The Stardate is 43186.4. Picard, Worf, Riker, Troi, Wesley and Data are all on the bridge. A now familiar flash of light heralds the appearance of Q. This time he's wearing a light jacket over a t-shirt and jeans. "Q!" "Yes, Jean-Luc. I am Q: I come from the Q-continuum." Picard looks puzzled by the manner in which Q introduced himself. "It's an obscure reference, Jean-Luc. I don't expect you to recognize it." "What do you want, Q?" "Why, Jean-Luc, I just want us to have some fun together." Picard looks uneasy. Q raises his right index finger. "But first there's somebody missing." Another flash of light heralds the appearance of Geordi in front of Picard. Geordi: "What the ...?" Q: "Good, we're all here. Now let's go." The Enterprise is thrown off course and appears in some unexplored region of the galaxy. "Data, where are we?" "I don't know, Sir, this region of the galaxy is unexplored." Wesley: "Sir, there's a planet coming into visual range." Picard: "On screen." A small image of a planet appears on the main viewer. "Magnify, for God's sake!" Q: "Really, Jean-Luc, feeling a bit irritable today are we?" Wesley: "Captain, Q's put us in a standard orbit around the planet." Picard: "Q, what do you have in store for us *this* time?" "Don't worry, Jean-Luc, your ship's not in danger, only the seven of you." With that ominous note and yet another flash of light, Q's attire changes to that of a red and blue uniform and helmet and a long blue cape. Sensing a threat (No kidding!), Worf leaps forward. Just then, they all disappear leaving behind eight flashes of light. Worf finds himself in a mid-sized room. He is only momentarily disoriented and turns to find Q in the room with him. He lashes out at Q who is protected by a force field, but in the process he notices three long knives extending out of each of his wrists. He looks at them, disgusted. "What's wrong, micro-brain? I thought you'd be pleased." Worf regains his composure. "Why don't you fight me like a Klingon?" "Ah, but you don't understand. I'm not the one you're here to fight." Just then a creature appears. It's dressed in red and brown and has long blond hair that resembles a lions mane. Its fingernails are long, hard and razor-sharp. Its noticable facial features include a protruding forehead; in this regard, it looks a lot like Worf. The creature lashes out at Worf. Worf, not in the right attack posture, barely moves out of the way in time, but not without the creature's nails ripping his uniform and causing a trickle of mauve liquid to drip from his exposed skin. Just as the creature turns around to face him, Worf slices it from its left shoulder to its right thigh with the blades coming out of his right wrist and then, with the other set, slashes it across the face. The creature (or, rather, what's left of it) drops to the floor. "Hey!" proclaims Worf admiring his work. "These are great!" Q, somewhat disgusted, says "I knew you'd be pleased" and vanishes. Wesley appears in a large room. He sees in front of him in the centre of the room a large man with brown overalls, goggles and four mechanical, extendable arms with three digits each extending from his abdomen. Wesley experiences a bowel movement. Just then one of the arms reaches forward at him. Wesley, instinctively, jumps as far back as he can and, to his surprise, finds himself sticking to the walls behind him and yet still able to move. In his euphoria, he momentarily forgets about the man in the room with him. "Hey, neat!" Just then Q appears. "Wesley, look out!" Wesley sees another arm reaching for him. He jumps from the wall and lands in a corner on the other side of the room. The arm impacts the wall that was behind him and causes it to crack and crumble. "You're going to have to fight him, Wesley. Next time he goes for you, grab the arm." Now, in all fairness, Wesley knows that this situation is one created by Q so, despite his misgivings, he does exactly what Q says. "Now, pull!" The mechanical arm that reached for Wesley is now pulled out of its socket. Sparks fly. Wesley's opposition is momentarily incapacitated. In an uncharacteristic move, Wesley runs forward and punches him on the jaw, causing him to crumple on the floor. Wesley has a satisfied look on his face. "I feel power surging all through me!" "Yes, Wesley, but think about what you just did: you could have killed this man." "But he's not real: you just created him." "Wesley, that's not the point. You should always remember: 'with great power comes great responsibility'." With that, Q disappears. In yet another room are Geordi and Troi, standing close together. "Do you sense anything, Deanna?" "No, what about you?" "I'm picking up the entire visual spectrum with normal levels of infared and traces of radio waves, microwaves, ultraviolet and gamma rays. I can also see electromagnetic radiation."\footnote{Boy, did I ever cringe when he said that in "Encounter at Farpoint"} Geordi thinks for a moment about what he's just said. "Or is that redundant?" Just then a man with a white face dressed in metalic blue and red with a shredded black cape appears. He turns, menacingly, at Geordi and Troi and raises his arms. Troi senses hostility (No kidding!!). Energy is projected through the man's hands towards them but it is dispersed by a transparent shield that appears just in time. This continues for a few seconds. Q appears. "He wants to kill you." Geordi: "I guessed. What's stopping him?" Q: "Troi's telekinetic shield." Troi: "My what?!" Q: "The only way to stop him is for Geordi to take off his visor. The beams from his eyes are the only thing that can destroy him. That's why he wants you dead." Geordi: "You've *got* to be kidding." Q: "He can't maintain this level of energy projection indefinitely. He will soon stop and lower his arms to rest. When he does, Geordi, you will take off your visor while looking right at him." Geordi: "This is crazy." Troi: "But typical Q." It happens just as Q had described. Troi senses their opposition's exhaustion. Troi: "Geordi, do as Q said." Geordi takes off his visor. Sure enough beams come out of his eyes and spread out to envelope the man in front of him. The man's costume is all that is left of the body that falls to the floor. Troi: "Geordi, you did it!" Geordi, his eyes closed, puts his visor back on. He looks around the room. "Where'd he go?" Q: "The beams from your eyes destroyed him. Well, have fun." Q disappears. Geordi goes to examine the clothing on the floor. "I did this?" Troi senses Geordi's anguish (No kidding!!!) and goes to comfort him. "Geordi, it wasn't real." Geordi shakes his head. "But what if this is permanent? It's bad enough when I lose my visor and can't see. Am I going to have to go through life facing the prospect of accidentally killing one of my friends?" Troi puts her left hand on Geordi's right shoulder. "It's alright, Geordi, we'd understand." Geordi looks up at the ceiling. Data looks around his room. "Intriguing." Just then, a humanoid robot appears in the room with him. It has a large protruding jaw and sparks fly as it opens its mouth. It raises its arms and stretches out its hands. Data jumps out of the way just as plasma shoots out of its palms. Data quickly moves forward, grabs its head and pulls it off. An explosion consumes the entire room. Meanwhile, Riker finds himself holding a red, white and blue shield in his hands. "What's this for, Q?" "You'll see." A man appears in the room with them. He's bald, his face is completely red and his eyes are as large as their sockets. He draws a ninja sword that's more than a metre long. Riker figures out what to do with his shield just before the blade would have come down on his head. The man with the sword attacks relentlessly yet Riker finds he's able to counter every move he makes. "This can't go on forever, you'll get tired." "What do you suggest, Q?" "Throw your shield at him." "Are you kidding, Q? That's *an incredibly stupid thing to do*! I'd be left defenceless!" "Have it your way then, but ask yourself: have I ever lied to you?" Riker's battle continues for another minute until, in utter frustration, Riker steps back and throws his shield so hard that the man's head is seared off, his body dropping to the floor. "There, now only your Captain remains." This time, both Riker and Q disappear. Picard is in a small room, sitting in a wheelchair. Q appears. "Q! What have you done?! I can't get up! I don't even have any feeling in my legs!" "You don't need your legs to defeat me, Jean-Luc. You just need your mind." "Explain." "I've expanded the power of your mind to the point that even here, exactly one kilometre beneath this planet's north pole, you can contact your ship. All you have to do is think." Six flashes of light herald the arrival of Worf, Wesley, Geordi, Troi, Data and Riker in Transporter Room 1. O'Brien stands behind the console, his mouth agape. Worf looks down at his wrists. "They're gone!" "What's gone, Lieutenant?" asks Riker. Worf suppresses his anger. "It doesn't matter." Data makes an observation. "Captain Picard is not among us." "Computer: locate Captain Picard." "{\tt Captain Picard is not on board this ship.}" "Then he must be down on the planet. O'Brien, are there any structures on the planet?" "None, Sir." "Then where is he?" Riker asks rhetorically. Troi speaks as though in a trance. "He's exactly one kilometre beneath the planet's north pole." Riker looks sceptical. "You're sure?" "Absolutely! I don't know *how* I know but there's no doubt. That's where he is." Riker believes her. "Computer: who's on the bridge?" "{\tt Ensign Tsu}" "Just Ensign Tsu?" O'Brien explains. "Ensign Tsu appeared on the bridge just after you disappeared. She notified security that the bridge was empty but the turbolift isn't working so she's there alone." Riker taps his communicator. "Ensign Tsu." There's a short delay as the computer locates Tsu. "Commander Riker! You're back!" "Ensign Tsu, we can't get up to the bridge. It's up to you to set a course for this planet's north pole and then take the helm." There's only a slight hint of hesitation in her voice. "Yes, Sir." Impulse engines direct the Enterprise in a helical path of decreasing radius towards the north pole. "We're there, Sir." "O'Brien, do sensors detect anything at the co-ordinates Troi described?" "No, Sir." Riker makes a decision. "Beam whatever's there aboard." O'Brien does. Picard, still in a wheelchair, appears on a transporter pad. Everyone is stunned. He struggles to lift himself up. Riker taps his communicator. "Doctor Crusher, medical emergency in Transporter Room 1!" "On my way." "It's alright, Number One. My legs just feel a bit numb." "What did he do to you, Captain?" Just then Q appears in a yellow and blue uniform with an "x" on his belt. "Not to worry, boys and girls, everythings back the way it was. Wasn't that fun?" Picard struggles to walk. "Q, I want you off my ship *now*! This nonsense is over." "On the contrary, Jean-Luc! This is only Chapter 8! This is far from over yet!" Riker tries to reason with Q. "In that case, Q, what have we to look forward to?" "Oh, come now, Riker, you surely don't expect me to tell you that, do you? You're just going to have to find out along with everyone else." Riker takes a deep breath and sticks out his chin. "But, at any rate, you've misunderstood me *again*. When I say it isn't over, I don't mean that it isn't time for me to leave." Picard has managed to regain his balance and, thus, his composure. "Well then, Q, *is* it time for you to leave?" Q stares off into space, tilting his head to one side, frowning slightly and pushing out his lips. He then looks at Picard. "Are you sure you won't miss me?" Picard rolls his head back and takes a deep breath. "Never mind; never mind; I can tell when I'm not wanted." Q disappears just as Dr. Crusher enters. Dr. Crusher looks at Picard. "Was that Q?" Picard answers. "Yes, he's just left." Dr. Crusher then looks at Riker. "So, what's the emergency?" Picard looks resigned. "It's me, Beverly. Number One, I'm going to be in Sick Bay for a while." "Understood, Sir. O'Brien, are the turbolifts working again?" O'Brien checks. "Yes, Sir." He pauses. "And, apparently, we're back where we were when Q arrived, on the same course." Riker looks around at Worf, Wesley, Geordi, Troi and Data. "Is everyone ready to return to duty." They all nod. "Alright then, let's go." Everyone leaves except O'Brien for their respective destinations. The Definitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 9 The Sorry Years* *The times given in this chapter are not canon. Canon dates for the second through fifth seasons could, it seems, be calculated from the stardates by dividing the year into 1000 stardates. This, thus, invalidates the notion that 1 stardate = 1 day at least for TNG. I have assumed 1 stardate = 1 day for TOS. But you don't care, do you? No sooner had Dr. Crusher returned to the Enterprise, things started going wrong. To begin with, Wesley almost destroyed the ship when two nanites (tiny robots) he had been experimenting on escaped and started tearing the ship apart. A week later, the Enterprise crew had to apologize to the people of the colony on Tau Cygni V for being unable to stop the Sheliak from destroying it ("Well, look, at least you have time to evacuate."). Then, the Enterprise investigated the destruction of the Rana colony, population eleven thousand, on Delta Rana IV, only to discover that the attackers, the Huwsnok race, were also destroyed in the battle, all fifty billion of them! Then, Dr. Crusher broke the Prime Directive by failing to wipe clean any memories of their visit in the mind of a member of a primative race. Two weeks later, the Enterprise crew examined a Promelian battle cruiser in an effort to determine what killed its crew. They found out the hard way. Things went relatively alright for the next two months. Then, trying to help out their future-fellow-Federation-members in the Akosha system, the Enterprise crew became responsible for a rebellion on Lunar 5. Things didn't go exactly as planned on Rutia IV either. Then, another three months later, Picard found himself in the position of trying to explain not only the disappearance of the alien creature known as Gamtu but that of Federation expert Tam Elbrun. Another three months later, The Borg invaded the Federation. Good thing they had Klingons to back them up because the Borg got close to destroying Earth. It was then that Picard, having been made one of the Borg himself, suggested that the Borg be put to sleep. Data managed to interpret this as a command to use (perhaps it would have been easier if Picard had said "reboot"), assuming he could get access to their system. Sure enough, he did. The Borg ship then self-destructed, their system having been tampered with. A couple of weeks after having recovered from his experience with the Borg, Picard, the diplomat, almost started a war with the Talarians. As luck would have it, next week, another one of Wesley's experiments went wrong and he was lucky the Traveller was around to rescue his mother from certain death. The next seven months were alright. Then the Romulans, using mind control on Geordi, tried to reignite hostilities between the Klingons and the Federation. Picard got the last laugh though when he prevented the Romulans from interfering in the Klingon civil war. Even then, the Romulan Commander Sela managed to lay a guilt trip on Picard whose alternate-timeline counterpart had sent her mother, the alternate-timeline Tasha Yar, back in time thus resulting in her mother's capture by the Romulans and, thus, her birth as a half-breed. Picard obviously lives for guilt trips. The Definitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 10 Yet Another Region of Space It's stardate 45099.3. Worf enters Ten-Forward. He sits at the bar where Guinan, the bartender, is working. "Prune juice." Guinan nods and activates the replicater. Nothing happens. Guinan looks puzzled. "Is something wrong?" Worf asks. "There's something wrong with the replicater. Can I get you something else?" "I *want* prune juice!" "You always have prune juice." "I *like* prune juice!" Guinan tries another approach. "Worf, why do you come here?" "For prune juice." "Yes, but you have a replicater in your quarters. Surely, you come *here* for another reason." Worf looks annoyed. "Admit it, Worf, you like to be with other people." Worf doesn't answer. He taps his communicator. "Lieutenant LaForge" "LaForge here." "Guinan informs me that the replicater in Ten-Forward is malfunctioning." "I'll send someone to look at it." Worf looks at Guinan. "I'll be back." In Holodeck 1, Lieutenant Reginald Barclay sits on a bed. On the other side of the room is what appears to be Councellor Deanna Troi. "Deanna, what's wrong?" She doesn't answer. He gets up, walks over to her and grasps her shoulders. "Let me guess: it's because we're serving on the same ship." She nods and looks into his eyes. "It's wrong, Reg. Our duty ..." "Should not get in the way of our happiness! Deanna, you're a beautiful woman! You could have *any* man on the ship!" She rolls her eyes. "That's what my mother tells me." "And she's right! The question is ... do you want *just* any man?" She takes a deep breath. "Oh, Reg!" Just then Reg's communicator is activated. Reg looks annoyed. "Computer: freeze program!" "Deanna" stands perfectly still, her head tilted back and her eyes closed. Reg taps his communicator. "What is it?" "Lieutenant, this is LaForge speaking." "S-s-sorry, S-s-sir, what can I do for you?" "You're needed down in Ten-Forward. I need you to run a diagnostic on the replicater down there." "Right away, Sir!" "And, Reg?" "Yes, ... Geordi?" "I thought you said you weren't going to spend so much time in the holodeck while on duty." "Oh, well, I'm sorry, Sir; I was just taking a break." "Well, that's alright then. If you like you can get back to ... whatever it was when you're finished with the diagnostic." "Yes, Sir! Thank you, Sir!" "LaForge out." Reg looks at his hologram of Troi. He says, barely audably, "Damn." He moves toward the exit. "Computer: save program and exit." He leaves. Later, in Ten-Forward, Reg has finished looking at Guinan's replicater. "It should be OK, now." "What was wrong with it?" Guinan asks. "Insufficient power. This replicater gets used more than any other on the ship and I guess it requires more power so I've increased its allotment." "I've never had a problem with it before." Reg looks puzzled. "But ... I couldn't find anything wrong with it." "Reg, I'm sure you did a fine job. I'm just saying that you should let Geordi know that, well, it's not as if I've been any more busy lately than usual." Reg nods. "I'll pass that on ... and I'll let you know if we come up with anything more." Meanwhile, Keiko Ishikawa, wife of Chief O'Brien, sits in their quarters, reading from a console screen. A whistling sound tells her that someone is at the door. "Come in." The door opens to reveal Nurse Ogawa. Keiko smiles and lifts herself up out of the chair, clearly feeling the weight of the child in her womb. <>, Ogawa asks in Japanese. <>, Keiko answers tapping her belly. Nurse Ogawa takes out her all-purpose-diagnostic-device and proceeds to examine Keiko. <> <> <> Keiko smiles. <> Ogawa looks impressed. <> Keiko shakes her head. <> She looks up at the ceiling, says <> and then looks down at her belly. <> Ogawa smiles. <> <> Ogawa sits down as Keiko walks over to the replicater. Keiko asks for "two cups of Jasmine tea, hot," but nothing happens. She turns to Ogawa. "Yoko, how do you say 'The replicater isn't working' in Japanese?" Later, on the bridge, Geordi enters. Picard gets up and turns to face him. "Report." "Well, Sir, the problems people have been having with their replicaters has been linked to a power drain. Currently, the Enterprise is at 80\% power." Picard looks concerned. "What could account for this?" Geordi looks serious. "I think it's just a property of this region of space we're in. It's draining our power at an increasing rate." Troi gets up. "Geordi, if we were to lose all power, would we be trapped in this region of space?" Geordi shakes his head. "No, even if we *were* to lose all power, our momentum would carry us on through to the other side. Our main concerns are life support and the anti-matter containment field." "Oh." Troi looks embarrassed and sits down. Picard: "If all power were diverted to those two areas, would we be alright?" Geordi shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know. Based on the rate of power loss, I'd say were not halfway through yet." Riker gets up. "In that case, Sir, I think we should turn around." Picard shakes his head. "No, we should continue on course." "But if what Geordi says is true?" "Then our duty is to determine the extent of this region so that Starfleet can declare it a navigational hazard." Riker calms down. "You're right, Sir, of course." Picard looks at Geordi. "I want you to reroot all unnecessary power consumption on my authority." "Yes, Captain." Geordi leaves. Meanwhile, Reg is back on holodeck 1. "Yes! *Oh*, Deanna! *Yes*, that's it!" Reg is interupted by the ship's computer. "{\tt All unnecessary power usage is to be discontinued. This holodeck will shut down in thirty seconds. Do you wish to save?}" "No, not *now*! A few more minutes, *please*!" "{\tt Power reallotment can only be overridden by the Captain's authority.}" "You mean if *he* were running this program, *he*'d get to finish?" "{\tt That is correct. Shut down in ten seconds. Do you wish to save?}" "Yes, save program!" Suddenly, the holodeck returns to its natural state: all the holograms have disappeared including the bed Reg was lying on. Reg drops to the floor. "Ow!" Reg slowly gets up, gathers up his clothes and puts them on. Soon, back on the bridge, all but the emergency the lights are out. Geordi contacts Picard from engineering. "Captain, I think we're through the worst of it. I also think we'll be able to map this region based on its dechyon signature, thereby giving ships something to look for in the future." "Good work, Geordi!" Later, Geordi contacts the bridge again. "Sir, we're out! I'm restoring power to the bridge." The lights on the bridge come on as bright as ever (?!) and Picard stands up. "Ensign Ro, set a course to the nearest starbase." "Aye aye, Sir!" "And not necessarily a direct course, Ensign! We want to avoid this area at all cost!" Ro rolls her eyes. (Luckily for her, Picard sits behind her.) "Yes, Sir." "Lieutenant, maximum warp." "Yes, Captain, full impulse\footnote{By "full impulse", Data does *not* mean "to hell with warp drive let's just use impulse drive". Apparently, impulse engines are needed whenever a course change is required. See Appendix A.}." "Engage!"